


the PLAYLIST

by Shinenteen



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-17 07:35:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11846925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shinenteen/pseuds/Shinenteen
Summary: Jihoon was never good with words and actions so he made a playlist--to say what he feels about their leader that he preferred to be just left unsaid.He put it in a CD and keep it.So what happens if Seungcheol sees them?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another Jicheol Fic. The songs I used to this fic are really good that It got stuck in my head. 
> 
> Jicheol brings out my creative juices that I didn't even know I have. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it. Thank you.

"Jinja? YA! stop it"  
"Han-nie pabo!!"  
Jihoon watched as Jeonghan and Seungcheol bicker loudly about something ‘he-don’t-really-need-to-know’ at the sofa while sitting beside each other.  
It is one rainy Saturday afternoon and they are at their dorm. Sunday is a rest day that was given to them from the busy schedule they have since they just made a comeback. They just finished recording for music core earlier. Their schedule is packed for the whole week so a rest day is so much appreciated.  
Some of the members are asleep while the others decided to head outside. The only one that are in the salas are Mingyu, Seungkwan, Hoshi, Seokmin, the bickering couple at the sofa and of course, Jihoon.  
Couple. Jihoon smiled bitterly to himself.  
That's what other members call Seungcheol and Jeonghan; A Couple.  
They say Seungcheol is the group's appa while Jeonghan is the Umma.  
Huh!  
Jihoon begs to disagree.  
It's funny how rapid change is, He thought.  
"Jihoon-nie~ jihoonnie!" Seungcheol snapped at him.  
He realized, he had been staring at them for quite a while.  
"Huh? " he asked startled by the sudden interruption of his thoughts.  
"Do you want to go with us? BBQ party. Jeonghan's wallet. " he excitedly said grinning at Jeonghan.  
Does he have to do that?  
"Yah! Why do I always have to treat you? Be a man and buy me a food too" Jeonghan whined smacking Seungcheol. He looked at them and he thought his presence wouldn't be really necessary.  
Jihoon smiles. Like he always does.  
"Im okay hyung, I’m not really hungry. I want to sleep. " he lied.  
Why would he choose to torture himself?  
If he'll go with them he'll just witness the lovey dovey flirting of Seungcheol and Jeonghan.  
He may be stupid but not to that extent.  
"You sure? " Jeonghan asked nudging at Seungcheol.  
He mentally rolled his eyes.  
"Jihoon hyung must be really tired. We can just take out some food for him. " Mingyu gave him a reassuring smile. He smiled back.  
Mingyu saved him.  
He's always like that. Like keeping him from seeing the lovey dovey couple flirt and pushing him to Seungcheol whenever there is a chance.  
He seems to know something but Jihoon was sure he did not tell anyone about his loads, Or was he?  
"Yeah, I’m really tired. You can enjoy. I'll just sleep" he finally said without switching emotion he even faked a yawn.  
He has mastered this.  
Hiding all the pain through smiles.  
Hiding his feelings.  
Hiding from everything.  
He's used to it but that doesn’t mean it did not hurt.  
"I'll just buy you food. Rest well okay? " Seungcheol ordered and held Jeonghan by hand.  
He bid them goodbye and he watched them go. He cursed under his breath.  
Like he would wait for them. The hell he care!  
They ruined his mood.  
He went to their company minutes after they left and he went straight to the studio he treats as his. His nest.  
The place where he can quit pretending.  
He opened the drawer and sat by a chair.  
He saw the picture he treasured in the middle of his black notebook together with the other CDs.  
He has been keeping all of it since day one . He put it there in the drawer afraid for others to see.  
It was a picture of him and Seungcheol when they were still training with nuest and when they were still called pledis boyz.  
In the picture, they were really closed and you can see through their smiles that they were happy and they enjoyed what they had.  
He smiled again his jaw hurts.  
A yellow covered cd caught his attention.  
J and S.  
When J is not that far from S.  
When it was just J and S.  
It was one of the playlists he made with Seungcheol together with the songs they had composted.  
When it was still just the two of them.  
He stared at it for a minute and an idea popped his mind. He thought why not try to make another?  
He was never good with words nor actions anyway  
Why not make another playlist for the things he wanted to say?  
Because if he keep it any longer he might just explode and that will just make things worse.  
It's not like Seungcheol would see it anyway. Would he? Of course not.  
He opened his computer and begun recording the songs that made into his list.  
And from there, it all started.


	2. WHEN IT ALL STARTED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A pink covered tape.

"Jisoo-ah, I'll go to the company, President have something to discuss. You and Jeonghan take charge. " i ordered Jisoo who is currently eating his breakfast with Seokmin.

The others are still sleeping. 

I put my shoes on and headed to the door and went straight inside the car. 

We went to the company with our manager hyung accompanying me. 

 

The president discussed things concerning seventeen as a whole and he congratulated us for the successful concert we had.   
He also gave us a week break to relax as a gift and but after 1 week, we need to spend all of our time preparing for our upcoming album.   
It has been almost 7 months since we last came back.  
We just finished our World Tour so we are all excited to have a comeback. 

"Cheol-ah, Jihoon is at the studio. I still have things to do for the President. go with him if you want to go home and rest. I'll see you later. Okay?" manager hyung informed me but didn't wait for me to talk and he just went away. 

It must be important. 

I scratched my nape. 

Well, just have to hang out with Jihoon. Not bad. Besides, I still don't want to go home. 

" Ji," I called. No one answered.  
He's not here in here? his studio?

what a pitty, Im gonna barrow something from him. 

"Yahhh! Where are you?" I called again.  
Where is he? 

I saw that the computer is turned on. He must be at the toilet. 

I scan his CD displays.   
One week break and I'm just planning to sleep. Might as well Barrow a CD to play within those days.  
I clicked the mouse to play the unfinished work in his computer. 

There's still no lyrics. It's a ballad we've been working together with Seungkwan.   
I scanned again through the displays and grabbed a pink CD. 

Hmm. I left my earplugs in the dorm. Jihoon must have his own.   
Listening to our music with an earphones on is a good idea.   
I searched for Jihoon's earplug.   
I opened the drawer but it's not there.   
I place the CD inside the drawer to look for an earphones when my phone rang.   
It's Jisoo.   
"Hyung, aren't you finished yet? Manager hyung texted me to call you. " jisoo informed.

"We just finished talking. Wae? " I went to another table to search for the earphone. My phone still tuck in my left ear. 

"He said you have an announcement. We're in the chicken place near the dorm except for Jihoon.. Are you coming? " Jisoo asked.   
"Hyung hurry, we're hungry " I heard Dino say.   
"Jeonghan hyung wont buy us food" I heard seungkwan whined and I chuckled.   
"Arraseo. Im coming. Order food and wait for me. Im getting Jihoon. " i assured them im coming.  
"Take your time hyung. " mingyu said from the other line. Jisoo must have put the phone on speaker.   
"Ne" i hunged up.   
I look for the CD im going to barrow when the CD i put in the drawer became four.   
Huh?  
There must be other CD's put in here....Why didn't I noticed?   
Funny thing is there are two tapes with a plain pink cover and one of it is the CD I want to barrow.   
I grabbed the pink covered one near the black big notebook and put it inside my jacket. Whatever! I still need to find Jihoon and make him eat with us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What will happen now?


	3. THINGS I'LL NEVER SAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Seungcheol sees it. Hears it rather.

It's the second day of our rest day.   
I slept all day long yesterday together with the remaining members. We're sleep deprived after all.   
Some of them visited their families so we are only a few left in the dorm.   
Seungkwan went to Jeju and Vernon spends time with his sister same with Jihoon and the others.   
I washed up early and find Junhui and minghao with Mingyu, Wonwoo and Soonyoung putting their shoes lining near the door.   
"Where are you going? It's still early. " i yawned. I just woke up and I still feel tired.  
"We're going to play outside hyung. Do you want to come? " minghao answered me, still putting on his shoe.. I shrugged.   
"I dont want to go outside. It’s too cold. Just enjoy yourselves and refresh. " i yawned again making my way to grab water.   
Im too tired and lazy to go out.   
They all left.   
I went to sit on the couch and turned on the TV. I switch channels time after time. Moment's later, i got really bored.   
I should have gone with them. I’m hungry.   
Should I take a walk?  
I went to my room to grab my jacket when my hands touch a square object inside its pocket.   
Whats this?   
I take it out from my pocket. Oh. It's the CD i got from Jihoon's studio from his drawer.   
It will be fun if Jihoon stayed. We used to make a playlists together when we were still trainees and record stuffs. Ugh, old days.   
I'll just listen to this and sleep. I am suddenly sleepy and I have the room all by myself since all my roommates went home.   
I played the CD and walked to my bed but I got weirded when Jihoon's voice filled the room.   
I thought it's a playlist? Is it not? 

 

"June 13, 20XX, Saturday. 4: 43 PM"  
Jihoon said the date. It’s from last year. What's this?   
I got really curious so i increased its volume. No one will hear anyway since they are all out and the door's closed.   
"Hey, it is me, Lee Jihoon. Welcome to your tape. Haha. Kidding. Im not related to Hannah Baker and I am not going to commit suicide if that's what you're thinking. I haven't even watched 13 reasons why nor read it. So what's this? Uhmm I, myself did not really know either. What’s this? What's gotten into me?"  
He paused.   
"actually, I made this playlist to say my feelings. Thefeelings that I couldn't say. Things i am keeping. The Jihoon who's not masked by the walls. Things I screamed without sound. I am never good with words nor actions so here it is. I know this sounds crazy but who cares? No one would see this anyway. I'll bury this tape 10 feet below the ground. But yeah, it's all about feelings"  
Did I grabbed a wrong CD?  
Wait. What?   
"This playlist is the things I wanted to say especially to you. Yes. you, the person I really want to hold but i am scared. I don't have the courage to say. I am thinking that maybe through this i can break free. Even temporarily. Because, this feelings is killing me. It’s fucking consuming.I think I'll just explode one day because it's overflowing. It's too deep that i can't breathe. Damn. It's cheesy." Jihoon is confessing? He has feelings for who?   
"I named this playlist ‘the things I'll never say’ and hey, that's the title of the first song. Surprised? It's funny , I know. What am I doing? Yes, im crazy but whatever. No one's gonna know this anyway. And I'll just definitely laugh my ass off when I listened to this. And Wow. I become so talkative. Hahahaah. Here's the first song, the things I'll never say by Avril Lavigne."   
I'm tuggin' at my hair  
I'm pullin' at my clothes  
I'm tryin' to keep my cool  
I know it shows  
I'm starin' at my feet  
My cheeks are turnin' red  
I'm searchin' for the words inside my head  
And I'm feelin' nervous  
Tryin' to be so perfect  
'Cause I know you're worth it  
You're worth it, yeah

The song is good. Jihoon have always had good taste when it comes to music.   
" You know, I have been trying my best to hide this feelings from you. You see, i'm acting cold and im trying my hardest to not to let you know. I was so nervous every time you are near me. You don't even have a clue. Don't you? Hahaha"  
Jihoon laughed. Really. What is this? He is confessing. Who is the you? Is it Soonyoung?   
Why is he crying? Im sure he is crying. 

If I could say what I want to say  
I'd say I want to blow you away  
Be with you every night  
Am I squeezing you too tight?  
If I could say what I want to see  
I want to see you go down on one knee  
Marry me today  
Guess I'm wishin' my life away  
With these things I'll never say

"You see, if I could say this words, I'll say i want to be with you but you are always with him. You enjoyed his company. Im boring you while, he make you laugh. If I could say this things, would you be happy? "

It don't do me any good  
It's just a waste of time  
What use is it to you?  
What's on my mind  
If it ain't comin' out  
We're not goin' anywhere  
So why can't I just  
Tell you that I care?  
'Cause I'm feelin' nervous  
Tryin' to be so perfect  
'Cause I know you're worth it  
You're worth it, yeah  
If I could say what I want to say  
I'd say I want to blow you away  
Be with you every night  
Am I squeezin' you too tight?  
If I could say what I want to see  
I want to see you go down on one knee  
Marry me today  
Guess I'm wishin' my life away  
With these things I'll never say

"Why can't I just tell you these feelings of mine? Well, It's easier said than done. I wanna say it but my tongue won't move it got stuck.it always did when it comes to you. The words in my head wouldn't even come out . I eat my fucking words. Every time I open my goddamn mouth to say something, I cant. I am just….. just mesmerized by…. y-..you. Damn you and your face!" 

What's wrong with my tongue  
These words keep slippin' away  
I stutter, I stumble  
Like I've got nothin' to say  
'Cause I'm feelin' nervous  
Tryin' to be so perfect  
'Cause I know you're worth it  
You're worth it, yeah  
Guess I'm wishing my life away  
With these things I'll never say  
"I wanna say all of this shit out loud. I want to tell you, Hey stupid, I like you since the fucking beginning. But that’s just stupid. I knew this will not go anywhere. These stupid beats won't go away. I stumble whenever you are there. I feel so stupid. I can't even look at you for ten freaking seconds. You see, you affect me too much. Too much that it just kills me. But i couldn't say anything."  
Every words from Jihoon’s penetrated well through me.   
I want to hug him right now.  
He can talk to me about his pain, I'll comfort him.  
What kind of leader am I?   
I want to wipe his tears.   
I feel so useless.   
"I want to tell you I love you out loud. I want to tell you ‘hey fucker,you make me go crazy’ But Im scared. If I can say this words would you return my feelings? Would you see me the way I see you? The answer is no. Why am I even asking? It's so obvious. I badly want to be with you and to be close to you but I am fucking scared and you ain't got a single hint. And what’s fucking fuck, goddamn it! you don't feel the same" His words became so sharp.   
A long silence enveloped me and the player. He talked again.   
"This is just the start. A little part of the things i wished to tell you. I don't have a clue what is this Im doing but I'll allow myself to be true. Cause, right now, I only have this tape and my feelings."  
Jihoon paused. He is too serious. Gone is the jokes.   
And i almost fell from my bed when he uttered the next words.   
"I love you Choi Seungcheol but I can't fucking say it. Why are so stupid?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things I'll never say- Avril Lavigne. 
> 
> Old but really good one.


	4. FALLIN'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so it was for him?

I jumped from my bed when I heard his last words.   
Literally.   
My eyes stretched wide.  
What's this?   
I replayed the last part to assure myself I'm not imagining things.   
Is Jihoon pranking me?  
"I love you Choi Seungcheol but I can't fucking say it. Why are you so stupid?"   
My jaw dropped.   
What is happening?  
I was so shocked when the next track played and I almost screamed.   
"Second Song from my Playlist ‘The things I'll never say’. I am really in love in this song that Seungcheol hyung can choke. Kidding. Hahaha. But this song is really good. I saw it in the internet once and the song is just perfect. This was sung by a Filipino singer. And this exactly summed up my feelings. I like it so bad that I recorded it."  
I remained silent. My mind wouldn't work anyway. Well, it’s working just incoherently.  
"This song will tell you how and when. Well, i dont exactly know myself the details but one day I just realized that Choi fucking Seungcheol is awesome but im not gonna say it in his face. Over my dead feelings. So here it is. Fallin' by Janno Gibs. "

I realized i am holding my breath for a long time.   
I exhaled sharply.   
I don’t wanna think anymore but i just keep on listening to Jihoon. 

Our little conversations are turning into little sweet sensations  
And they're only getting sweeter every time  
Our friendly get-togethers are turning into visions of forever  
If I just believe this foolish heart of mine

"I saw you first when I got casted in the company. You see, we've been together as long as I can remember. We've witnessed everything together. Happy days, disappointments and hardships. We've been through all that together. You were supposed to debut with Nuest and I cried because of that. Funny thing is, after all of that, we are still together and I’m happy. "   
Thought of our first meeting made me smile without me noticing it.   
Jihoon was really shy back then but he talks to me about everything.   
I smiled.   
"Since trainee days, we are really closed. Then one day I realized. I am happy when I'm with you . When we talk, it' seemed like everything's going to be fine. At first it's just a friendly talks until I found myself mesmerized by your voice. Then, Your friendly games and gestures will make me smile like an idiot. Suddenly, you have become the main character of my songs. "  
"I got tinges when you hug me and comfort me. Now, i can't even touch you. "

I can't pretend that I'm just a friend  
'Cause I'm thinkin' maybe we were meant to be

I think I'm fallin', fallin' in love with you  
And I don't, I don't know what to do  
I'm afraid you'll turn away  
But I'll say it anyway  
I think I'm fallin'(fallin') for you  
I'm fallin'(fallin') for you

"I know you only see me as a close friend but am I that bad if don’t want you to be my friend? Cause I want to be more than that. Cause i think being just your friend isn't enough. I fell hard. So bad that I cant get up. But i can just keep it by myself because I’m scared you do not feel the same. And you probably don't "  
Jihoon's voice sounded like he's having a hard time breathing.   
I am left speechless.   
I feel stupid because I didn’t know that I’m hurting one of the people I’m treasuring the most. 

Whenever we're together, I'm wishin' that goodbyes would turn to never  
'Cause with you is where I always wanna be  
Whenever I'm beside you, all I really wanna do is hold you  
No one else but you has meant this much to me

"I cried hard when i really thought you were going to debut with Nuest and leave me. I thought I'll lose you. So im glad, Im glad you are still with me, even as a friend. Cause you are the person I really wanna be with. Do you notice how ny eyes will twinkle when you are with me? When you tell me corny jokes? How I wanna hug you and return your embrace? When you're sitting beside me, i want to cuddle you. When we are together, I’m always wishing time would stop. Thinking of losing you tears me apart. You're lethal."  
"Did you even noticed how happy I was when you told everyone we were married even if it's just a joke? How my heart will come out from my chest when you kissed me in my cheeks? I almost kissed you in your lips when you pretended to kiss me in my lips. How I cried when you're sick? Do you even know how madly and deeply I have fallen? How hard I try to ignore the fact that im just a friend. Cause I want to be something more."  
I don't really know what to say. I can't even think straight.   
I can't pretend (no) that I'm just a friend (I'm just a friend)  
'Cause I'm thinking maybe we were meant to be  
I think I'm fallin', fallin' in love with you (I)  
And I don't, I don't know what to do (yeah, yeah)  
I'm afraid you'll turn away (I'm afraid you'll turn away)  
But I'll say it anyway (yeah)  
I think I'm fallin', fallin' in love with you (I think I'm fallin')  
And I don't, I don't know what to do (and I don't know what to do)  
I'm afraid you'll turn away (I'm afraid you'll turn away)  
But I'll say it anyway (anyway)  
I think I'm fallin'(fallin') for you  
I'm fallin'(fallin') for you  
"Why am I your friend? I don't wanna be your friend. Cause i want to hold you and kiss you. I want you. And friends don't do that. How long will I be just your friend?” ”Cheollie-ah, I have fallen, and I am still falling, it's killing me. what will we do? "   
Jihoon- ah , what will we do? Cause I really dont know.

I was engulfed with a deafening silence when I heard a knock.   
I paused the player and wipe the water in the sides of my eyes.   
"Hyung, we brought food" Soonyoung shouted from outside.   
Glad he didn't open the door.   
I glanced up at the side clock and realized that it’s past lunch time.   
I fixed myself and come out. I even forgot I was hungry.   
"You can have them hyung, we're already full" Jun said and sat at the sofa where I sat earlier. I just nodded and muttered thank you.   
I feel so down.   
"Hyung are you okay? You looked bad" Minghao asked me concerned. I just smiled.   
"I'm okay don't worry. I just woke up that's why. " i lied.   
"Okay. I'll just sleep hyung. Joshua hyung wake me way too early” he walked through their room.  
I stared at the food I’m going to eat. It looks so delicious but I cant bring myself to eat. ihoon-ah, what to do? What will we do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fallin' - Janno Gibbs. 
> 
> A Filipino singer. 
> 
> This song is for those who's stuck in a friend zone. This one is really good. 
> 
> There are lots of Filipino songs that are really good. OPM rise.


	5. YOU ARE IN LOVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do we do?

"Third song for the playlist of thing's ‘I'll never say’. It's already the third song. Third time im recording myself talking to myself. Despite being all crazy, I liked every single song. How is it going? Awesome. I know right! Im fucking awesome Hahaha . This next song is one lof my favorite Taylor Swift song. Most of the people I know hates Taylor. Well, I personally like all of her songs because of the lyrics. I don't care about her boyfriends as long as she have a good song and same goes for any other artists out there. So this is the third song. You are in love by Taylor Swift. "   
I heard Jihoon say. He seems enjoying doing this.   
After I ate my late lunch I went straight to our room where I can be alone. Performance team excluding Chan are noisy in the living room watching.   
And I want to .............hear....more of....Jihoon.   
Is... It.. Bad?   
I rested my head on Mingyus headboard with my earphones connected to the player.   
"You see Seungcheol hyung, at first, I thought these are all bullshit. I thought I am just used being with you and this isn't romantic at all. That maybe this is just normally platonic. Maybe I have just gotten too attached to you. But then, I realized, this shit is serious. I am fucking in love with my best friend. Are we still even best friends? "   
Of course Jihoon-ah you we are always be. I don’t know what am I going to do if we stop being friends. It may sound selfish but I might lose my mind. 

One look, dark room  
Meant just for you  
Time moved too fast  
You play it back  
Buttons on a coat  
Light-hearted joke  
No proof, not much  
But you saw enough  
"I observed myself. I really want to be sure if this feelings are legit. I don't want to assume things just to see it break. I want to be sure. Then there's this time. Everytime everyone of us gather together, my eyes keep searching for you. My gaze will follow you everywhere. I’ll just smile without me knowing why. I just smile whenever I see you.fuck yourself Choi Seungcheol. You’re making me crazy. And then time will just fly fast cause you're with me. Does it make sense that I laughed to all of your corny and stupid jokes? You made me so comfortable with you where words aren't needed anymore. Or so I thought. "   
I can imagine his painful smile.   
I shut my eyes closed. 

Small talk, he drives  
Coffee at midnight  
The light reflects  
The chain on your neck  
He says, "Look up"  
And your shoulders brush  
No proof, one touch  
But you felt enough

"You are always by my side 24/7 so i have become so attached. Do you remember when we go out at midnight just to grab coffee cause we couldn't sleep? So we will just listen to a music and do a fucking stupid playlist of our moods just like this? Or sometimes compose a song together? How you will hold my hand and from there, I'll feel safe? Everything was enough when you are with me. Everything was great till I fucked up. "   
You can hear it in the silence, silence  
You can feel it on the way home, way home  
You can see it with the lights out, lights out  
You are in love, true love  
You are in love  
"How fucked up was that? I could here my heart beating so fast it might jump out of my chest. I could see you when I close my eyes. And it's crazy when I dream of you without me even sleeping. So tell me. judge me. What is it? How can I not fall in love if you exist? If this is not that fucking corny love, What the hell is this? " 

Morning, his place  
Burnt toast, Sunday  
You keep his shirt  
He keeps his word  
And for once you let go  
Of your fears and your ghosts  
One step, not much  
But it said enough  
You fight and you talk  
You kiss on sidewalks  
One night he wakes  
Strange look on his face  
Pauses, then says  
"You're my best friend"  
And you knew what it was  
He is in love  
"I was afraid when I realized all of it. Imagine my horror. How I ignore you because I know it's wrong. I'll just ruin everything. But as I distance myself to you my feelings just grew so I got tired of running. That's when I decided to let myself and just not tell you. Just being with you would be enough. I enjoyed our fights and small talks. Everything about you. Then you go tell everybody that I am your best friend. Suddenly, all of my fantasies crashed just like that. You remind me every goddman time that I am your best friend so fuck you. I want to tell you to shut the fuck up. "   
Jihoon chuckled but a painful one.   
You can hear it in the silence, silence  
You can feel it on the way home, way home  
You can see it with the lights out, lights out  
You are in love, true love  
So it goes  
You two are dancing in a snow globe, round and round  
And he keeps a picture of you in his office downtown  
And you understand now why they lost their minds  
And fought the wars  
"Back then, i go telling people that falling in love is stupid. How best friends should not cross limits. How friendship should’nt be mixed up with personal feelings but here I am stuck of what I call stupid. Now I understand. i am just as stupid as them"

'Cause you can hear in the silence  
And why I've spent my whole life trying to put it into words  
You can feel it on the way home  
You can see it with the lights out  
You are in love, true love  
You are in love  
You can hear it in the silence, silence  
You can feel it on the way home, way home  
You can see it with the lights out, lights out  
You are in love, true love  
You are in love  
You can hear it in the silence, silence  
You can feel it on the way home, way home  
You can see it with the lights out, lights out  
You are in love, true love  
You are in love  
"I am in love. And I keep on falling. Tell me, how? I fucking fell into my best friend. And there's no way im going to tell him. "

"Hyung."  
"Seungcheol hyung"   
"Yahh! Hyung" i came back to my senses when Jisoo snapped at me.   
"You're here? " i dumbly asked. Almost whispering.   
After I listened to the third song, It drained me.   
I decided to distract myself by coming out and join the kids in the salas.   
But I don't have the energy to join their excitement.   
Jisoo touched me my forehead then my neck.   
"When did you came? " I hold his hand cause he keeps on checking me.   
"I just came. Hyung, you all right?" He returned to me. His eyes expressing concern.   
"I-im f-fine. Im gonna wash up. " i assured him and grabbed my towel in my room to take a bath.   
No one seemed to noticed my leave except for Jisoo   
Jun and Minghao are talking seriously in chinese while soonyoung is busy watching SHINee's OFD in his phone. Jisoo is sleeping in his room and I didn't heard him arrived.   
I went to the cr.   
I may have to clear my thoughts.   
I opened the shower and let the water drip into me.   
I remained standing without doing anything.   
Jihoon-ah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taylor Swift is more than a girl who composes songs after a break up. Her songs are really good. Not all of her songs are about exes and hoe tho. Im not a fan but I like her songs a lot. Who doesn't?


	6. IF EYES COULD SPEAK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just the way your eyes see speaks volume.

After I washed up, I went back to our room where I can be alone again and tried to enjoy my solitude which was all gone the moment I listened to Jihoon’s playlist.   
I sighed and decided to listen again.  
I clicked the play button only to be greeted by a long silence.   
I don't really understand why Jihoon never said a thing to me.   
I understand that he is scared and he isn't Jihoon if he wouldn't hide his burden-------  
"This day, Seungcheol hyung, oh wait, why do I always call him hyung when Im recording this? He won't see it, so drop the honorifics Jihoon-ah. Besides, \im always calling him cheol when im thinking about him which is all the fucking time."   
I closed my eyes and just listened to Jihoon's voice.   
Maybe one the reason he did this thing is because he wanted someone to listen to him when he clearly wants his feeling to be kept only with himself. So maybe I could listen. 

"Anyway, this is already the fourth song. I also found it to the internet while browsing along with the second song. I feel sorry i discovered it this late. The song is just perfect for the numb person like Choi fucking Seungcheol. I tried to make him listen to this one time and he just said it was fucking good. How stupid can he be? This is Devon Workheiser's If Eyes Could Speak."   
My ear welcomed the beats of the song's familiar introduction. This is the song he made me listen to when we were practicing and this one is really good. I didn’t know he was really letting me know his feelings. I guess I have to agree with him that I was quiet of a numb. 

Standing close to me close enough to reach perfect time to tell her  
But I can't even put the words together  
Bevelizing eyes getting in my disguise  
Can't you see me hiding?  
What am I afraid of a finding?  
I know what I'm thinking  
But the words won't come out

"This day, we had a fan meeting. Many fans came and it has just been months since we debuted. It was really fun. But you know what's more fun? Cheol and I are standing close beside each other comfortably and the butterflies on my stomach went wild when he back hugged me. Well, he's always doing that. If it's other members I'll definitely kick them where it hurts the most but it is Choi Fucking Seungcheol we're talking about here. And since when did I become a teenage high school girl? Since I fell with Choi fucking Seungcheol. Duh! "  
I cant help but noticed Jihoon swearing at me everytime he got a chance.   
My memories took me back to that day.   
I remembered saying If i would have one chance to hug only one member, I'll choose woozi which is Jihoon and I meant it. 

If eyes could speak  
One look would say everything  
About the way you smile,  
The way you laugh  
The way you dress,  
The way your beauty leaves me breathless

"If my eyes could speak it will definitely yell at Seungcheol and say I Love You so I'm quite glad it couldn't. Fuck his gummy smile. The way his smile reach his eyes. And also that contagious laugh. Not the way he dress tho. He sometimes dress awfully I have to smack his head. Glad he is good looking so he can pull off his weird outfits. "  
I chuckled. Am I that bad when it comes to fashion? But minghao said one time that im fashionable. 

If eyes could speak  
I wouldn't have to talk

"I'll say fuck his goddamn looks that makes me wanna jump at him and just kiss him. Omaygash! What am I saying? Erase erase erase.lee jihoon is not me. I don’t sound like a teenage flustered girl, don't I? of course I don’t. 

Here we go again trying to pretend My hands are steady  
The way she looks tonight isn't helping  
Vision's getting blur gotta calm my nerves, it's now or never  
There's only one way to the answer

"I don't know but Cheol can't really keep his hands to himself so when he's trying to hold my hand I refuse to give it. It's not that I don't like it. But my hands are sweating like a fountain and it's fucking trembling. I can't really keep my cool when he's staring cause its seems like he is staring at my soul which is crazily insane about him. It's funny how I’m comfortable being with him and nervous at the same time."

I know what to tell her  
But the words won't come out

"Do I really know? " 

If eyes could speak  
One look would say everything  
About the way you smile,  
The way you laugh  
The way you dress,  
The way your beauty leaves me breathless

If eyes could speak  
I wouldn't have to talk

"Cheollie-yah! I tried telling you this stupidity not just once but twice. First, here in the studio. When we are working on a song we're composing. I said I have something important to say but you stared at me and I fucking forgot my confession. Blame your beautiful eyes. Second, when I showed you my lyrics and you said it was good without a hint of me, actually confessing. D'you remeber? The first one was during our trainee days and the second one was not too long ago. And many more times I become sick of it cause I remembered that I am talking about Choi Seungcheol who is too numb and stupid for a being. " 

Maybe I can finally get it right  
Finally get the nerve to speak my mind  
And tell you the things I can't say  
And baby I would look into your eyes  
And maybe you will finally realize  
Words are just words anyway

"I tried telling you because this feeling is consuming me too much. You didn't even noticed you're the person behind my songs disguised as someone else. I really wish my eyes could speak sometimes so you can see my burning gaze. So i wouldn't have to explain. Words are just words. But fuck, i can't even say how important you are to me. Cheol, I’m tired pretending but I couldn’t help it. When it comes to you, im weak, " 

If eyes could speak  
One look would say everything  
About the way you smile,  
The way you laugh  
The way you dress,  
The way your beauty leaves me breathless

If eyes could speak  
I wouldn't have to talk  
"If my eyes could speak, would you hear me?"  
I tell you all about  
The way you smile,  
The way you laugh  
The way you dress,  
The way your beauty leaves me breathless  
"If these eyes of mine could speak, I'll tell you how perfect you are. How my heart aches everytime I look at you only to remind myself I’m just a friend. I'll tell you you're killing me. You're hurting me. Because you're too nice and you make me feel especial but i want something more than that. "  
"I don't know of I'm just really a coward who's good with acting or you are just that numb. I could be a fucking best actor at grammy’s. My eyes says it all but you didn't noticed. It's all in my eyes but you didnt see it. Why so numb Cheol-ah? " 

If eyes could speak  
I wouldn't have to talk

"IM HOMEEEEEE~" Seungkwan sing-sung as he entered the dorm.   
The members just looked at him at went back to what they are doing which is playing UNO.   
"DIDN'T YOU GUYS MISSED ME?" he placed both of his hands in his hips, still standing to where he's at.   
The China line stared at him followed by Jisoo. Soonyoung playing dirty, placed the green switch to the floor but his plan failed because Minghao noticed him cheating and yelled at him.  
They resumed to their little intense game where soonyoung is loosing so cheating is his only choice and Seungkwan remaining standing, completely forgotten.   
"YAH!" Seungkwan yelled again, irritably this time.   
I chuckled. And he spooted me so he went to me.   
I'm busy reading wonwoo's book but I still looked up and smiled at him.   
"Yah, you came. Have you eaten yet? " i softly questioned him. He just shrugged and pouted. I closed the book im reading.   
I hugged him. And welcomed him home.   
He needs it or maybe I'm the one who's needing it more.   
“im hungry hyung. “ he let go of my hug.   
"Everyone, grab your jackets, we're eating outside. " I announced fixing my hair.   
They quickly abandoned their UNO cards and went to their room faster than the flash including Seungkwan.   
Always expect that when food is involved.   
I made my way to our room to grab a cap and a jacket without glancing at the player or even to Jihoon's bunk bed.   
I needed a break.   
We headed outside and eat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If Eyes Could Speak is a song of Devon Workheiser. 
> 
> This is a perfect song indeed. 
> 
> I couldn't get it out of my head for a few days. And I think it's really good especially for describing hidden feelings.


	7. BROKEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Seungcheol said he and Jihoon were awkward on a radio broadcast .

*drip* *drop*   
"Are we not really going?" I asked hoping for a change of mind.   
The speaker on the other line sighed annoyingly.   
"It's raining so hard and you want to play basketball? Seungcheol quit using drugs!" The annoyance is obviously visible in hyung's voice.   
"Im not using drugs. Ugh! You're annoying. Why cancel at the last minute?" Im really frustrated and I desperately need distractions.   
"Seriously Cheol, do you have a problem? Yesterday you worn yourself at on the gym like there's no tomorrow. C'mon. You can tell me. "   
"Im fine. I'll call you again. And you owe me food for cancelling out. " i hunged up hurriedly.   
Hyung really know when something's wrong with me and I dont want to bother him. He has his own problems i dont want burden him with mine.   
We planned to play basketball and go to the arcade but it's raining really hard so he cancelled. It was really fun yesterday tho. We went to the gym and work our ass out.   
It was really tiring but it feels so good going home to finally sleep.   
It was supposed to be a ralaxing week but I feel so much exhaustion compared to when we have a really packed up schedule.   
It's the fourth day of resting. Some members who took a leave are back from their hometown except for Hansol, Chan and my roommates Jeonghan, Mingyu and of course..... Jihoon.   
I almost forgot about the playlist for the last days---except when I am all alone in my room and everyone's asleep. That's why I really want to go out and exhaust myself. I want to sleep and stop thinking. But the rain ruined it all.   
"Seungcheol hyung, I forgot to tell you earlier. Your umma called. " Seungkwan informed me, his mouth filled with sausage.  
We just finished eating and he is eating again.   
I fixated my eyes on the TV.   
"I already talked to her. Im going home tomorrow. " i yawned. My muscles are still sore.   
"When will you come back? " he asked without eyeing me. I just shrugged. I signalled him that im going to sleep.   
I paced back to our room and threw myself at Jeonghan's bed.   
I closed my eyes but i couldn't get a sleep.   
My eyes reached the CD player right beside Mingyu's bed.   
Why am I running away with this?   
I moved to Mingyu's bed and play the already inserted disk. I didn't bother to put my earphones. No one's gonna come inside except for me.   
I relaxed at the bed and stared at the ceiling.   
"I don't like this day. This night rather." Jihoon's dreary voice greeted me.   
I wondered why.   
He usually greets with a painful cheerfulness. And this one sounds solemn.   
"How many songs are there already? Fifth? Nevermind. I don't really care. This song is just fucking accurate to what I really feel right now. I want to murder Choi Seungcheol. I want to pull off his tongue and cut it. I want to pinch him. Ugh! I really want to punch him. Can't I do that? Fuck him." Jihoon yawp.   
What did I do? He sounds really agitated.   
"This is the most painful song so far. Secondhand Serenade just increased my level of depression. Listen to this. It will rip every fucking veins of your goddamn body but you will still feel the, pain. This song is Broken by Secondhand Serenade. "   
Listening to this might increase my depression too Jihoonie.   
The instrumental intro of the songs screamed dejection. 

In the moonlight, your face it glows  
Like a thousand diamonds, I suppose  
And your hair flows like the ocean breeze  
Not a million fights could make me hate you  
You're invincible, yeah its true

"Your physique really stands out on this crowded room. The way the lights dance with your mere existence. It's fucking aesthetic. It was perfect until you spoke. No! It sounds like a spit. It hurts like a stab. I will really gladly take it if you just punched me but hell you tear my heart open. It was so fucking painful i feel like my heart would actually rip to pieces. Really Seungcheol? That's how you feel?"  
He stopped midway.   
Did I do something?   
What did I do?  
I don't remember anything.   
"Why didn't you tell me? Why do you need to broadcast it? Like before? It was a fucking radio show! Are you really that stupid? You held a grudge towards me. When I never had it with you. I thought we're good after that fucking fight during our debut days. That fucking night that you chose to broadcast to the world how I fucked up instead of just talking to me privately. I let it passed. It was okay. I fucking thought we're okay!"   
I heard a painful sob. This time there's no sarcasm. Just a plain suffering.   
I bit my lip. 

It's in your eyes where I find peace  
Is it broken? Can we work it out?  
Let's light up the town, scream out loud  
Is it broken? Can we work it out?  
I can see in your eyes, you're ready to break  
Don't look away

"You said you feel uncomfortable with me. That we're awkward? Huh! Really? I was really surprised that I manage to hide my astonishment and not cry from there. I still managed to look okay and I deserved a fucking grammy's for that! You see, i went straight to here in this goddamn studio after that. I was fucking trembling the whole night. I never held a grudge to you. I never treated you indifferently . I always run to you when I have a goddamn problem. Cause I thought we're best friends! Even after that fight and even now, i couldn't bring myself to hate you. I thought it was all okay. What happened? What have gotten wrong? im disappointed. Really... Is .....it.. really broken? Are we......not really..okay? " Jihoon's voice sounded so weak.   
I felt a water on my cheeks. I didn't realized I was crying. 

So here we are now  
In a place where the sun blends in with the ocean thin  
Across from each other, together we'll wonder if we will last these days  
If I asked you to stay would you tell me  
you would be mine?  
think that we are broken...

"Is it broken? What we had? Is it really broken? I thought we are inseparable. I thought we are stable. We've been through a lot. I thought we only have each other. But you drew an invisible bounderies without me knowing it. 'm really comfortable being with you. It feels fucking amazing to be with you. Im not asking you to love me back. I even settled myself to be just your friend even I want something more than that. I never asked you. I just couldn't believe that's how you feel. I feel so betrayed and I can't stop crying. It feels like you stab me at my back. You turned around. Why does it hurt too much? "  
Jihoon-ah I'm sorry. I said that because I feel like you're distancing away from me. And I don't know how to act in front of you after our fight.   
I feel like you're walking away and I don't want that.   
I wiped the tears that are pooling my face. 

And time is all I ask for, time, I just need one more day  
And time, you've been crying too long, time  
And your tears wrote this song, stay  
In the moonlight, your face it glows  
Is it broken? Can we work it out?  
Let's light up the town, scream out loud  
Is it broken? Can we work it out?  
I can see in your eyes, you're ready to break  
Don't look away  
"Cheol-ah, can't we work it out? I really treasure you more than anything. More than my dreams. You are so precious to me. Pls. Don't let me go. Don't let our light burn down. I don't want to break this thing we have. I am contented. Can't we work it out? I am disappointed with myself cause I feel like it's my fault you said that and I'm willing to forget what you said. Let's fix this. Please. Don't let us break. C-cause I-I-I d-don-dont wan-wanna lo-lose y-you. The last thing I want is to lose you. Please. I'm begging you." Jihoon broke down.   
All I heard was painful sobs and exhaustion. 

I let myself escaped a sob.   
I covered my mouth with the back of my hands.   
I don't want to lose him too.   
I don't want us to break to.   
Im so sorry Jihoon. I'm so sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love bands. All time low, P! ARD , Sleepimg with Sirens and all.   
> Second hand serenade have a place in my heart so does their songs. 
> 
> Broken by Secondhand Serenade is a hearbreak song. 
> 
> This chapter is angsty tho.


	8. WHEN WE WERE YOUNG

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon and his silent pleas.

I bore my eyes on the wall which is staring back at me.   
I did not know I had hurted him.   
The cold enveloped my body.   
I fixated my gaze at the window with my curtain hanging open.   
I got back to my senses when a familiar voice played. 

"Ughh. Hello? It has been a week. I have almost forgetten about you. I've been very busy---no cut it! Why am I lying? Who am I kinding? You're talking to yourself Jihoonie so there's really no point taradiddling. Dumbass."   
I can imagine him rolling his eyes heavenward.   
I harked to his talking; this time, softly.   
His mood is very different from the last recording he had but it did not lighten my feelings at all. I remained in the dark.   
"I was really hurt the last time I recorded. Very. I don't like to sound like a fucking bitter and all but that's it. Things changed no matter how you never liked it. No matter how you never wished for it. It will pass like any other things. That's life. Nothing's constant. Im really not bitter here. Im not. Really."   
He defensively recited before learning to pause for a bit.   
"Oh fine. Maybe I am. But that's not important. Anyway, we are already in the sixth song. I never thought I'd really continue this fatuity of mine. Recording things? Really? It's the 21st century. What the hell? But who cares? News flash! No one's. So let's continue this. I still got a story to tell. I'd do whatever I wanted to. The next song is a very good one--oh wait! All of the songs are good. It's me who chose it. Thank you. I have a really good taste. Witticisms haha. This songs have many versions but my favorite one is Tanner Patrick's. This song is called When We Were Young."  
I changed my lying position.   
I faced the player as if I'm facing Jihoon.   
The song started playing. So does the agony. 

Everybody loves the things you do  
From the way you talk to the way you move  
Everybody here is watching you  
'Cause you feel like home  
You're like a dream come true

"I feel a lot better now after that radio broadcast. It was really depressing. It drained me. It hurts like hell that I don't even want to think. I'd tried so hard to feel okay. To accept that, that's how you feel. I should respect it even it means stabbing myself. Things change. Look, Everybody adores you. Everybody likes you so it should not be that surprising that you'll be close to someone,someone else. like we used to. "   
I tasted his bitter words.   
I tasted all of it.  
It's no good. Not a bit. 

But if by chance you're here alone  
Can I have a moment before I go?  
'Cause I've been by myself all night long  
Hoping you're someone I used to know

"Today, you spent your time with me. Wow! Sounds new! You sat beside me. You even huggged me and laughed with me even your joke is kinda lame. Like before. Even then."  
"Cheol, you're my home. I told you that before. Didn't I? You feel like home. I scolded myself. Once again, here I am. Hoping. Not just for you to notice me. I was really hoping if we could be just like before. F-friends.b-bes-best f-friends. Laughing at our gags. Having our own world. Can you still be that someone I used to know?" 

I felt a pang on my chest. 

You look like a movie  
You sound like a song  
My God, this reminds me  
Of when we were young

"Maybe it's still there. Maybe I just can't see. Maybe it's somewhere out there. Maybe we are still not broken. Like before, just like we were young, maybe it was here, maybe it still here. We just couldn't see."   
I catched his voice tattered. 

Let me photograph you in this light  
In case it is the last time  
That we might be exactly like we were  
Before we realized  
We were sad of getting old  
It made us restless  
It was just like a movie  
It was just like a song

"When you sat by my side earlier, i was searching. I keep on searching. The word 'before', Cheol it haunts me. I savored the moment. I savored every part of today. From the moment we laughed together like you never said we're awkward. Like there's no invisible borders you drew. As if I didn't cry. As if you didn't hurt me. Like everything's just the same. We're laughing hard our stomach hurts. But I was so scared. It was scary. I'm scared to death that this will be the last time we could laugh like that, that we could be just like from back then. Can't we just be like this? Can't we not involve the word now from the word before? Can we walk at the same path again? Can't we?"   
We can still be Jihoon-ah, I'm sorry.   
We can still work things out.   
I feel so dumb saying those words that cut everything off. Im sorry for being a dick. 

I was so scared to face my fears  
Nobody told me that you'd be here  
And I swear you moved overseas  
That's what you said, when you left me

"It was petrifying. To see you get too close to others. Especially to Jeonghan hyung. It should be me. It should be me you are laughing with. It was so frightening to see you drift away. To be left all alone with just our memories to hold. I should be happy. We talked and giggled like way back before. But it's alarming to think we've changed. That i could only have this stolen moments with you. It hurts to see you comfortable with others when it should be me you are running to when everything's not perfect. Like you used to. I feel betrayed. Call me selfish but i know It should have been me.All the things that Jeonghan's should be me. Jihoon's."   
Jihoon sniffed. So does I.   
Did I really acted that way towards him?   
I never intended to cut him off of my life.   
You are always a best friend to me after everything. You are part of me that I actually thought you have partially invented me. We have partially invented each other. That's how we are.   
That's why it hurts me when I see you walking away and keeping your problems just to yourself. I'm here y'know.

You still look like a movie  
You still sound like a song  
My God, this reminds me  
Of when we were young

Let me photograph you in this light  
In case it is the last time  
That we might be exactly like we were  
Before we realized  
We were sad of getting old  
It made us restless  
It was just like a movie  
It was just like a song

"After everything. Despite the changes, you still feels like home to me. You sound so familiar i could barely remember these fucking changes. You are so familiar to me. When we're together, it feels like we are young again. It feels very Jihoon and Seungcheol. Just the old Ji and Cheol. Some days i wished we never grew up. Like peter pan, i wish we have here a fountain of youth. So we can never grow old. So things wouldn't change. So that it will never hurt. "   
Jihoon let out a melancholic plea.   
You're a home to me too Jihoon-ah.   
Sorry if I fucked everything up.   
Mingyu's pillow was so damp because of my tears that I didn't even know streamed down. 

When we were young  
When we were young  
When we were young  
When we were young

It's hard to admit that  
Everything just takes me back  
To when you were there  
To when you were there  
And a part of me keeps holding on  
Just in case it hasn't gone  
I guess I still care  
Do you still care?

"I sound pathetic that I'm living in the past. But Cheol, how can't I? It's the only thing i can grip onto. It's the only thing that reminds me how we used to be. That's what keeping me going. How I was so important to you. That for once, you have love me even just as best friend. Is it my fault that everything takes me back to what we used to? Am I that desperate if i hope that we never gone. That the the word we is still living in us. Do you still care? No not as a leader. But as Seungcheol. 'My seungcheol'. Because I still do. I hate to admit it but you are a part of me. I still love you. I still want you. "

It was just like a movie  
It was just like a song  
My God, this reminds me  
Of when we were young

When we were young 

"Can't we still be even just friends? Can you learn to be comfortable with me again? Just in case, you need me I am just here. Just like before, when we were young. When it's just the two of us.can't we try it again?"   
He is weeping. Pleading.   
I sat down. It's suddenly hard to breathe. 

Let me photograph you in this light  
In case it is the last time  
That we might be exactly like we were  
Before we realized  
We were sad of getting old  
It made us restless  
Oh I'm so mad I'm getting old  
It makes me reckless  
It was just like a movie  
It was just like a song  
When we were young

"Im hoping that this won't be the last time. I'm still hoping we can restore everything back and be just like when we were younger. Me. You. The two of us. Don't get me wrong. I love the members. I do. I am thankful to all of them. But Cheol, if it's you drifting away, growing a distance, away from me, i can never watch it. What we had, i can never have it with anyone else. Now, i am left here wondering. Do you still want me? Are you just that someone I used to know? Am I the only one who don't want to grow old and be with the memories instead? Cheol, can we stop growing? If growing hurts this much, I'd rather not grow up. If growing up doesn't involve you in my life, i dont want it. If it means losing you, cant I be young forever? C-c-cant we.......You involved yourself too much in my life that I forgot how to live without you. So tell me, how can I familiarize myself to the thought of losing you? H-how? H-h-how? "  
His voice trembled. He cried hard.   
The painful cries of Jihoon are harmonizing the instrumental part of the song.   
I let out a sorrowful cries.   
I can't do this. I cant. 

A hand caged me. It feels warm. Warm enough but the coldness I'm feeling didn't even falter.   
"Hyung" he called.   
I snapped out from my emotions.   
I shouldn't look all weak.   
"Mingyu-ah you're finally here. Don't worry I'm not crying. My head hurts. " i equivocated. I faked a smile.   
He tighten the hug.   
"It's okay hyung. I heard everything. " he ruffled my locks.   
It feels like he is the older one just now.   
"Y-you h-heard? " i sniffed, looked at him, breaking the embrace.   
"Im sorry hyung. I didn't mean to. I was here when it played. Only a half of it. You probably didn't noticed me but I called you. I'm sorry. Don't worry, I won't tell. Promise." he assured me.   
I just think   
He stopped the player.   
"Hyung are you not going home? I think it would be better. To think that Ji---- never mind. You rest first. . " Mingyu suggested.   
This is what he likes about Mingyu.   
"Im planning to go home later. Thank you Gyu-ah."   
He nodded and stared at me.   
He come closer and comforted me with a hug but this time, I didn't cry. I should be tough. Not again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEN WE WERE YOUNG covered by Tanner Patrick is one of my favorite songs. 
> 
> It is, really good it's making me cry.


	9. I HATE YOU,  I LOVE YOU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hate is a mask use to hide what we really feel inside.

The train ride feels longer than it used to be.   
My trip to Daegu seemed to be taking forever.   
I did not really want to go home. I'll sure just miss my family when I'm gone again. I don't want that.   
My original plan was to go home tomorrow morning but I'm scared I might see J----   
I sighed.   
I shouldn't sweat myself thinking about those things, right?   
Distraction. I should find distraction.   
I just observed the people around me.   
The train is not that crowded.   
Manager hyung wants to drive me to our house but I refused. I could always take the subway. Besides, I miss riding public vehicles and I'm sure no one's gonna recognize me. Im wearing a cap and a hoodie plus the fact that it's night time. So i doubt it.   
Some people got off the station. Next stop is where im gonna get off. Im hoping I could loosen up a bit so I could ponder. Being with my family will bring me temporary distractions.   
I left the train by the next station. I took a cab.   
It's good to be back to the place where I grew up even just for days. It feels nostalgic. 

I was greeted by my family exhilarately the moment I reached our doorstep.  
I missed them so much.   
I hugged my father whom I didn't see for a long time. I missed his warmth. His and mother's.   
"Have you already eaten? Come to the kitchen. I cooked your favorites knowing my baby is going home after a long time." my mother tugged my arms. I smiled. This is the feeling of home.   
I saw my grandmother eating on the dining table. I kissed her on her cheek.   
This is exactly what I needed; my mother's food. I sat by her side and start eating. Hyung is at work so I'm only the noisy one in the dining considering they asked me a lot of things.   
Everything about this place feels warm and welcoming. I feel relaxed for the first time in this week.   
After supper, my mother forced me to go to my room and have a long rest. I obliged.   
I want to spend my whole day with them tomorrow so I gotta do things that needed to be finished.   
I still have to do the things Mingyu have ordered me to.   
He suggested--no! Commanded rather to listen to the whole tracks in the playlist. He assumed that If I listen to the whole thing Jihoon wanted me to listen into, It might help me to clear my mind. To lessen my anxiety.   
He indicated that when I learn Jihoon's side of track, I will know what to do later and i will be able to deal with him. Easier said than done.   
But still, his advice was so tempting and I hate to admit how gullible am I to comply.   
So that's what I'm gonna do tonight. Listen.   
I brought the tape out of my bagpack. I intend to stay here for just two days and that's the only thing I brought with me here.   
Our week will be over in just days and there will be no time to slack off so we gotta enjoy this vacation.  
I wish I could do that.   
I waited for the next track to play with jitters penetrating my whole body. I can't hold a grip of myself.   
"Hana. Dul. Set. There! Hello! There goes my insanity striking again. Ah! It's getting out of hands. I said I would never record things again. I tried to listen to the first track of this playlist and God! Im telling you I didn't even finished it and I fucking died. Remind me why I did this again? Listening to it made me really want to bury myself back to my mother's womb. What more if Seungcheol hears it? I'll bury him seventeen feet below the ground. oh! Come to think of it, I changed my mind. I'll bury him in my arms instead. haha. So okay, back to the track, I'm finally over that or maybe im still not but that's really not the effin' point to matter here." Jihoon began.   
I didn't allow myself to think about my feelings. Confusion is the last thing I needed at this moment.   
"As you can see, wait. This was made for listening. Stupid Jihoonnie! Okay. As i was saying, i am here again. I'm recording things just in times I feel friggin' angsty or I wanted to bend my anger or whatever emotions I'm feeling. Im weird, I know. Don't worry, i pity the normal ones. So anyway, my seventh complaint is about to be made. Shall we start the real deal now?" He sounded like he's hosting a variety show except that the show is heartbreak hotline.   
Others assumed that Jihoon isn't really the type to blabbermouth because he's not talkalive when doing a broadcast but I'll tell you a secret, he is. He is really chatty and whinny just not in front of the camera.  
"The seventh song is entitled I hate you, I love you. It was a song of Gnash featuring the guy whos-name-I-forgot. I hear Jisoo playing this on his guitar once and I thought this song is cool. There's also a rap in it. It's quiet a good song for a broken hearted like me. This song have taught me that thinking a lot sometimes brings worse to people. Im telling you, believe me when I say that. " he recited with conviction.   
I know Jihoon-nie. Been there. I couldn't agree for more.   
The instrumental fills his silence.   
"Do you know that today is fucking Friday and I don't really care? Choi freaking Seungcheol was with me. Was. It should be a pleasure. Pleasure my ass! Spare me please. It was actually not!" He uttered under his breath. 

Feeling used  
But I'm  
Still missing you  
And I can't  
See the end of this  
Just wanna feel your kiss  
Against my lips  
And now all this time  
Is passing by  
But I still can't seem to tell you why  
It hurts me every time I see you  
Realize how much I need you

"I should feel felicitous cause I see you're making an effort to make up with me and repair what's broken. Another headline! Well, You should! I fucking deserved it. We already talked, right? Privately. We agreed we'll fix this. I'm not even ccognizant that there's a crack that needed to be fix. You said you want your best friend back. Fuck you! Im not the freaking problem in here. It irritates the hell out of me. But i know we're both stupid. I realized Im nodding like I'm conceding it was my fault. That I'm the one who turn back at you when in fact I am the one left wounded in this battle. I hate you for making me feel guilty. That's what annoys me. Well, What a news! We're back. Congratulations! Your best friend who dont want you as just friend is finally back"

I hate you, I love you  
I hate that I love you  
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you

"I really hate you for wanting you so bad. I really hate you for the sleepless nights. The anxiety and all. I feel so fucking dumb that I'm willing to forget to pain you have inflicted in me. I hate you because you make me wanna love you even more than I should. Tell me, should I be happy to be back on my duty as your best friend that you will run into when you have a goddamn problem?"   
I don't know what to say Jihoon.   
Do you not want to come back? 

I hate you, I love you  
I hate that I want you  
You want her, you need her  
And I'll never be her

"Maybe I'm the one to blame this time. Maybe it's not you. I'm the one who told you to run straight to me when you have some trouble. I told you that you can always depend on me. I can be your fucking pillow. I can be your handkerchief. You could cry on my shoulder and i won't mind the snotts and the dampness of my shirt. I can abandon whatever I'm doing no matter how important it is just to attend you. I won't mind. I'll feel greatful even because it means you trusts me. It was okay until your fucking problem is involving Jeonghan. Greatness! Just great!" He spitted the words.   
I tried so hard to understand what he's saying.   
But error, not found. 

I miss you when I can't sleep  
Or right after coffee  
Or right when I can't eat  
I miss you in my front seat  
Still got sand in my sweaters  
From nights we don't remember

"It was fucking insulting coming to me when your problem is fucking Yoon Jeonghan. Of all people, it was Jeonghan. You said he was so important that you didn't know what to do if he really got angry with you and not talk to you for fucking ever. He was so important that you looked so down earlier. That I couldn't even cheer you up. Be sensitive sometimes. Gosh! Broken hearted here. Excuse me i can't fathom that. I couldn't blame you because you didn't know this craziness. So all I have to do is to be a fucking good and dependable best friend. Comfort you and say everything's gonna be alright. Fuck it! I did that. But after you hugged me for a fucking minutes you shut the world and slept the whole day. You did not seem fine after that. I feel useless! It's like saying you don't need me. That i couldn't do anything for you. That's friggin' it. I've lost it. I feel useless. "  
A specific occurrence crossed my memory just now. Picturing the scene he was talking about.   
I finally remembere.   
This is when Jeonghan and I fought because i told him to stop being lazy and being so sluggish. I was really having a bad day then so we fought a little.   
I could be a strict leader at times and seeing other members sweating, giving their all to practice especially Soonyoung, seeing Jeonghan slacking seems unfair for the othets so I scolded him but it was just a misunderstanding cause he did feel bad that day and I didn't know. It happened almost a year ago.   
But Jihoonie, you're mistaken. I hugged you because it was the best way to calm myself down that time. I needed your warmth that day. You said it's gonna be alright so I believed you. So I just slept.   
I believed you so that I just waited for Jeonghan to calm down then talk to him after. You're right. It was alright after all. 

Do you miss me like I miss you?  
Fucked around and got attached to you  
Friends can break your heart too, and

"So I asked myself. Even as a friend. Do you still need me like I need you? Do you still want me like I want you? Do you always have to break my heart?" 

I'm always tired but never of you  
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit  
I put this real out, but you wouldn't bite that shit  
I type a text but then I nevermind that shit  
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit  
Oh oh, keep it on the low  
You're still in love with me but your friends don't know  
If u wanted me you would just say so  
And if I were you, I would never let me go

I don't mean no harm  
I just miss you on my arm  
Wedding bells were just alarms  
Caution tape around my heart  
You ever wonder what we could have been?  
You said you wouldn't and you fucking did

"I was always exhaused from composing and all the producing stuffs but when it comes to you, I always say yes. I'm always free when it comes to you. I want to make you feel you are the best leader in the whole goddamn world that time. I want to make you feel you are not lacking like you have always thought. What you did is alright. That it was not your fucking fault you did not know he's having a headache. You deserve that fucking position. I want to give you my support but then you don't mind that shit. I'm always here when you needed me but I could not run to you when I have problems because it's you who's causing it. I always wonder how can you be so dumb and naive. Mingyu even noticed my feelings towards you and I'll fucking kill him when he said a word about that but there you go, fucking numb. Not minding me."   
Mingyu knew? That's why he got the nerve to order me around? Since when?   
I'll kill him when I get back. 

Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix  
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed  
Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing  
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance  
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing  
But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings  
When love and trust are gone  
I guess this is moving on  
Everyone I do right does me wrong  
So every lonely night, I sing this song

"Sometimes im thinking that I should just distance myself from a notorious thief like you. But nah! I did that once and I just drowned in a Pacific depth. it's hard to swim now. I want to kill you and this feeling but it feels so good to have this. I feel fucking alive. I want to feel this butterflies until it lasts. Cheol-ah, it should be your problem so why am I so affected? It's not like we fought. I feel so used. Not that you used me. My goddamn feelings is enslaving me. it's okay for me if you want someone to lean on but i dont know why when it comes to Jeonghan it feels like instead of comforting you, I need to comfort myself first. When it comes to him, im losing my confidence."   
He said through his breathing.   
I feel like a bad friend.   
I should have thought that you have a problem too. 

I hate you, I love you  
I hate that I love you  
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you  
I hate you, I love you  
I hate that I want you  
You want her, you need her  
And I'll never be her

"I abhor Choi Seungcheol. I love him but it feels like he likes Yoon fucking Jeonghan. I'm fighting a losing battle. I am no match to him. Unfair! He is so damn pretty. Cheol said im cute. Cute my ass! If i am that cute, why couldn't he love me? Of course! He has Yoon fucking Jeonghan that bypassed him all the time. He always chooses gentle Jisoo and ignores pitiful Cheol. He always make Cheol a fucking option. I could choose him y'know? Why does he have to settle being an option when he could be a priority? I'm always putting him first but he prefer to be just Jeonghan's option. I know I sound fucking corny right now. But admit it, I have a point in here. Why won't he let me? He could have the attention Jeonghan is taking away from him If only he will let me be."   
He sounded determined.  
So he is jealous of Jeonghan?   
Am I Jeonghan's option?   
What am I suppose to say? It's ridiculous. 

All alone I watch you watch her  
Like she's the only girl you've ever seen  
You don't care you never did  
You don't give a damn about me  
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her  
She's the only thing you've ever seen  
How is it you'll never notice  
That you are slowly killing me

"All I ever do is admire your fucking ass secretly. Your tighs are good too. Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not fantasizing you. Im not a pervert who has a green mind. Im realy not. It's really a compliment, you pretty dumbass! I don't need to feel embarrassed by that. You'll not hear this for the nth time. What I am saying is we are just beside each other all the freaking time but you feel so far away. You have gotten beyond my reach. You always look for him. I always caught you giving him stolen glances. How about me? Look for me too. Take care of me too. Pabo! You are always laughing with him. You are happy with him. You can give me your hundred million smile too. You even love to smell his hair. You're killing me. Im jealous. But who am I compare to Jeonghan? He is everything a girl and even a man wants. He is fucking ideal. A great deal. A, package. He is tall I'm not. He is hot i looked like jiggly puff. His personality is on point while I behave like a bitch. He is fucking perfect and i am not! But i could make you happy too. If you'll just let me. Cheol-ah I'll never ignore you like Jeonghan does. I'll give you what you deserve. Look, I told myself not to cry this time cause i look so pathetic having swollen eyes. It's your fault Cheol-ah. It hurts you know. Im not drunk but this is worse than having hang over. It's klling me. Up until now. "   
Jihoon is not crying like any other days. But that didn't lighten the atmosphere.   
Im not crying this time too but my heart is agonizing with him right now.   
The world feels melancholic at this rate. 

I hate you, I love you  
I hate that I love you  
Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you  
I hate you, I love you  
I hate that I want you  
You want her, you need her  
And I'll never be her

"I hate you Seungcheollie for giving me reasons to love you this much. For making my heart beat so fast. For hurting me and leaving my heart shattering to its very pieces without being aware of it. For being so kind and humble. It feels like the world doesn't deserve you. But still I hate you for letting me think so lowly of myself comparing to Yoon Jeonghan. I hate you cause you only see Jeonghannie. I hate you hyung. I hate you for giving me so much pain only to come back again loving you and hoping that someday this feelings could be reciprocated too. I hate you for hurting me just to love you over and over again. I hate you Choi fucking Seungcheol it stings so much. I hate to admit i am smitten and I could not pull myself up." he declared letting what his heart says finally heard.   
That's when the song ended.   
I feel so bad watching your distress and not being able to do anything.   
I wish you will never have to feel so low because you are good in your own way Johonnie.   
I feel like I don't have the right to hug you and comfort you when I am the one causing the tears on your beautiful eyes.   
Forget me Jihoon-ah. Im up to no good.   
Im sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate you, I love you is good to play im a guitar. I was walking my way home with earphones in both ears when this one playes and tje first thing that come to my mind is Jicheol. 
> 
> Im such a trash.


	10. HEARTACHE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does heartache looks like?

Hyung, did you arrived safe? 

Im patiently waiting for the next track to play with my heart still heavy when my phone beeped.   
It was Mingyu. He texted me.  
I wasted no time and hit reply. 

Ne. Im busy. Why? 

Are you listening to it now? 

Yes. How's the kids? 

They are watching a horror movie. My ears hurt from their screaming. Don't worry we're fine here. Take your time hyung. Don't cry too much. Goodnight.   
I was about to put the phone away so I could focuse on the track when it beeped again. i have no choice but to open it.   
Oh! And Jihoonnie hyung was looking for you when he arrived. Good luck! Haha.   
I cursed at him. I'm gonna kill this juvenile. 

Wait till i get back. You're dead. 

Mingyu found something to bully me with. I bet he have had enough of my teasing so he planned to make me pay by using what he knows.   
My perfect plan to murder Mingyu was interrupted when Jihoon's voice get on to the thin air.   
The tension automatically went back to me.   
"Guess who's back? Meee! Welcome to Jihoonie's playlist entitled The Things I'll Never Say. What a day! I keep on breaking my promise not to record crazy things again. Blame Cheol! He should be responsible for all of this. I'm running again to you cause I don't want to trouble him with the nuts he had given me. This tape is my only escape. This tape is the only thing that underdands me. So i won't mind breaking my promise. It's all made to broken anyway. I am warning you now my friend. This next track is going to be really depressing. Look, the next song is not yet presented yet I'm starting to tear up. I'm such a cry baby. Let's get this over and done with. Im already crying. I hate this but as if I have another choice. " He sniffed.   
I felt queasy all of a sudden.   
The nimbus surrounding me felt heavy.   
I sigh.   
I should be ready in whatever i might hear in this track.   
"So, as i have said this part will be so dismal. Another day, another pain. The song I'm going to play is painfully afflicting. My old friend made me listen to the original version of this song which is in japanese. It was beautiful despite the incomprehensive the lyrics. It got me so bad that I searched for the translation. Lucky me. It has an English version and a Korean translation. So I listened. I never thought it will be damn good but it is. Starting from the melody that sounds solemn. Listen well to this song. Here is One Ok Rock's heartache" Jihoon declared.   
My heart started to beat erratically.   
I look at the pictures hanging on my wall. The pictures of my family, friends and seventeen.   
This is a different kind of nervousness. 

So they say that time  
Takes away the pain  
But I’m still the same  
And they say that I  
Will find another you  
That can’t be true

"This track is originally an open letter for Cheol because i don't think I can bear the pain this time if I can not say these things that indefatigably running on my head. Even just to myself, to this tape, i want to be heard. This is so heavy and I need to let out some of this or else I'll sink. Cheol-ah, I thought I'm your best friend? Why can't I feel it? We already fixed things right? We're supposed to be back to were we left at. It has been days and I'm still suffering from the same reason. I thought I was just being childish and jealous. I thought this misery would end soon if I just let the day pass like all of those never happened. But it won't go away. It is more than a grievance. " He started.   
The song indeed sounds depressing.   
He just started yet I can feel tears starting to pool my eyes. 

Why didn’t I realize  
Why did I tell lies  
Yeah I wish that I could do it again  
Turnin’ back the time back when you were mine (all mine)

"We're doing okay. I was so happy to see the old Ji and Cheol sprouting again. We hanged out again and do things our way but it lasted for just days. Just days until you and Jeonghan fixed your problem and it was him all over again. It all started when I noticed you laughing your heart out with Jeonghan hyung. I thought it was okay. That Im just jealous it's not me you're laughing with. But then days passed, then months. You hanged out with him often. You are with him 24/7. You grew closer to him that when you have a plan or problem you're consulting him first, the way you used to consult me before. Im completely forgotten. Even the fans likes the idea of the two of you. They cheered when he hugged you. Even when you just standing side by side. They liked it very much. Mingyu asked me if I'm okay and I fucking lied that I was. I can't let him see me cry. I cried to him once and that's not gonna happen again. I lied hoping that I will be soon okay. Because I thought I'm gonna be okay. But it was all a lie. A guiltless lie. "   
I wiped my tears.   
All I can think right now is sorry. 

So this is heartache?  
So this is heartache?  
All this pain in the chest, my regrets, and things we never said oh baby  
So this is heartache?  
So this is heartache?  
What me meant, what we said that night.. Why did I let you go?  
I miss you

"It was really alarming to see you spend your goddamn free time with him always. How you will ask him if he want to hang out or grab something to eat. How you will drink with him when you used to ask all of that to me. When just days before it was all mine. They said you will not know what happiness is without tasting a bit of sadness. I wasn't informed that this is what heartache looks like. I was for ready for this. It was fucking painful. It feels like I'm dying. It was so heartbreaking looking at you smiling from eye to eye because he said something funny. I miss you Cheol. I miss the time you'll bring food to the studio because i was so busy that I forgot to eat. I miss you checking me every possible night making sure i am okay. How you will wait for me to finish things and then we will go home together. Walking at midnight, appreciating the view with the cold air embracing us. I miss being the one by your side. The one you confirm to. It has been weeks but it feels fucking forever. I miss you so much." He is crying his heart out.   
I can feel his frustrations just by listening to his heavy breathing.   
How did I become do cruel? 

So they say that I didn’t know what I had in my life until it’s gone  
The truth is that I knew you were the live; we never knew it would end  
Oh baby watching you walk away, why didn’t I make you stay?  
Yeah I wish that I could do it again  
Turnin’ the time back when you were mine (all mine)

"It's all understandable that you are in the same age and it's okay if you two grew close. I understand that maybe you're just glad you two finally made up. Maybe you just miss him and you didn't forget about me. I let the day passed it becomes week. It was fucking extrapolatable that I'm busy doing my stuffs, that you'll find a company because I'm busy doing shits.. But cheol, im never busy when it comes to you. You knew that. Everything we used to do is what you're exactly doing with Jeonghan. What happened? I wish I could turn back time when it was just you and me because I miss what we used to be. I wish I could make you stay with me. I wish I sustained you enough reason to stay. Because Cheol, im your best friend but i can see you slipping away. Everytime you hugged him I could just shut my eyes because I have no right to snatch you back to me. Even in front of many I couldn't contain my pain. I'll just turn around because the memories of us keep lingering on my mind. Every day becomes a torture that I just lodged my fucking ass to the studio. To avoid the both of you. You're fucking everywhere! I'm completely set aside." Jihoon let his voice taste the yearning.   
Is it possible if I say I feel all of this in my veins?   
Every goddamn words affect me. 

So this is heartache?  
So this is heartache?  
All this pain in the chest, my regrets, and things we never said oh baby  
So this is heartache?  
So this is heartache?  
What me meant, what we said that night.. Why did I let you go?  
I miss you

"Is it posible if I don't want to let you go when you are never mine to start with? Is it possible for my heart to break when I could still breathe? To feel like slowly dying while living everyday? Is this what heartache feels like? Can't I have you again? You said you want your best friend back. I never left you Cheol. You're the one who walked away. Im waiting for you to come back here. Little did I know you found someone. You keep looking for me yet you never feel I was there because while you are searching for me, you're looking at him. Cheol, that night is not the one that broke us apart. You. You broke us apart. You forget about me. But even tho, i know all of that. Guess what? Im still waiting for you to come at my studio's door to give me food. To ask me for a drink. Im waiting for you to wait for me so we can go home together. I keep on waiting for you but you never came. I miss you so bad. But no matter how tight my grip is, you keep slipping away. Cheol. Now I understand what this fucking knot in my chest is all about. This is heartache. My heart is fucking aching so bad. "   
He paused and sobbed. Once that become twice then thrice until I couldn't follow a count. 

It’s so hard to forget  
Getting worse as the pain goes by  
Yeah It’s so hard to forget  
What do I do in all of this life?  
You and all the regret  
I tried and hide the pain with nothing  
I’ll never be alive with no more you and I.   
I can’t forget the look in your eyes

"I wish i could just forget all of it. I wish I have never experienced this in the first place. Why can't I just forget all about you? I'm tired of pretending to feel alright when the truth is, i have never feel fine since the day I fell for you. The feelings used to feel great. It was all great until the pain kicks in. It's horrifically painful accepting Ji and Cheol are long gone. That no matter how hard we try we could never go back to what we used to be. That you have Jeonghan now while I only have myself and our memories. It's hard to accept that Jeonghan replaced my part in your life. Being your best friend is a whole deal for me. Because, being one gives me the right to worry and take care of you using my way. Being one makes me feel happy. But you took that right away from me. It feels gazillion stabs in my body. It's getting worse day after day. It's fucking painful seeing the two of you everyday in my life. I feel so betrayed that you can have the fun without me. I feel like shit cause I'm still hoping while being hopeless. Cheol why does it hurt so bad?"   
I never intended to hurt you like this.  
I never see it that way.   
I never cut you in my life. I would never do that.   
I never wanted to replace you.   
You are with me from the very start.   
I treasure each and every moment we had together.  
You are especially to me and no one can replace your spot in my life. Jihoonnie, not even Jeonghan.   
Im so sorry to make you feel like shit. This is heartbreaking for me too Jihoonie.   
It's painful too.   
You're right. Why does it hurt so bad? 

So this is heartache?  
So this is heartache?  
All this pain in the chest, my regrets, and things we never said oh baby  
So this is heartache?  
So this is heartache?  
What me meant, what we said that night.. Why did I let you go?  
I miss you  
I miss you  
I miss you  
I…  
miss you

"I wish this was all jealousy. That im just being childish. Or maybe it's better to wish all of these are just nightmares. That i will wake up soon enough and see you there waiting for me again, smiling. Cheol, it's too painful. The pain is ineffable. I'm missing every part of you. Am I that bad if sometimes I wish we never debut? It's selfish I know. But the success took you away from me. Is it the price I have to pay for my dreams? If this was it, i wouldn't dream big cause I can never sacrifice you, Cheol. But you seems okay without having me. Everything about us have change. There's no more you and I. I was left here with the thought of you and him. It's worth every tears to think I could only dream of having you wait for me again. I could only dream of singing to you again while playing a piano while appreciating your eyes. I could only just love you from afar. I have lost you and my right to be with you. I could only dream of having you and It fucking sucks. So this is heartache. I never wished for this one. I never wanted this. Cheol, it's really heartbreaking. Your name used to warm me but now it only brings me tears. Cheol, can I stop dreaming? Can't it be real? I don't deserve all of these."   
Jihoon's voice has gotten weak and fragile.   
It broke like a glass and every broken pieces of it stabbed me.   
This track is like a poison that slowly kills me.   
Jihoon, is this heartache too?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite One Ok Rock. This is a must listen song. The English version is really good. My friend introduced me this song and I'm tellinh you, it screams JiCheol angst. Forgive me.


	11. JUST SO YOU KNOW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoonie got something to say.

The smell of a newly made milk filled my nose as I stir the glass I'm holding.   
I went downstairs to make myself a drink. The one which can help me gather tranquility.   
I reckoned i could finish the tape by tonight but considering the last track, I'm not that sure if I could.   
I drunk the still smoking beverage straight out of frustration.   
I usually knew what to do in various situation but this, i am not ready for any of it.   
I washed the glass that I used then I stormed back into my room.   
This week should be relaxing. It should be healing.   
What the hell did I put myself into?   
I played the tape I have paused earlier and lie comfortably in my bed, belly lying straight.   
I can't prolong any of this. I ought to know what to do.   
I should find a remedy. 

"Hey. It's me again, Jihoonie. Look! I dyed my hair blonde...again. Wow, It has been a long time. I think months? So it was really nice to see you again, my pink tape. Good to see you, still placed on my favorite notebook. I thought I lost you because I forgot that I have put you in there. I was so ready to kill somebody who happens to see you. Glad I'm still innocent at this moment. Haha. Where are we now? Just how many songs I played sounded so funeral? I realized most of the songs are too melancholic. I listened to the whole tape and I presume I might have over reacted in some cases here. It's so embarrassing. TThe corollary of heatbreak. " he cited but he did not sound embarrassed. Not a slightest.   
I scold myself not expect anything from this track.   
I've heard worst so my ears should not show a surprise.   
"Ninth song. We're on the ninth song. This is it. I think this would be the last piece of my insanity. Im not sure tho but whatever, we'll see. I still need to end this tape for the betterment of all. Doing this kind of stuff will just lead me to nowhere. The tears I have cried are too much for this. It should be enough. But to tell you honestly, I didn't regret making this Playlist. It helped me a lot figuring myself and overcoming my anxieties when I couldn't talk about it to just anybody. Mingyu doesn't know what I am doing and I'm not planning to tell him. He have a big mouth and he is a loyal pal to Seungcheol so no no. It's embarrassing enough for me and I wouldn't want to add more abashment."  
"Anyway, the ninth song and maybe the last song for this playlist is from years ago. This is aged but it never wentover-the-hill. This is gold. Music is never old. And frankly speaking, songs from back then has more substance than now. Shall I present this masterpiece now? Jesse McCartney's Just So You Know, here you go."   
He started to play the song. 

I shouldn't love you but I want to  
I just can't turn away  
I shouldn't see you but I can't move  
I can't look away

"I chose this song simply because as you can see, just like what the song says, I know it was so wrong to have these feelings for you. It's like a forbidden thing to do. Cheol, I know I should have murdered these feelings for you from the very start but I cant. I couldn't. Do you ever feel like, doing something wrong will make you feel right? It's like that. I can't help it. I can't just shut my eyes when you are pacing back and forth. I can't just control my gaze. I was always in control of things but I can't contrain the erratic beatings of my foolish heart every fucking incidents that involves you. I can't hold a grip of my feelings. Would you blame me? " Jihoon is as frustrated as me.   
I can imagine him pulling his blonde locks. 

And I don't know  
How to be fine when I'm not  
'Cause I don't know  
How to make a feeling stop

"I can't help myself I just keep on falling. Day by day it just grows. It's like an incurable disease spreading in me. Like I can do nothing but to let it. It has become a hopeless case. I couldn't stop. Not now. Everything was new. It scared the shit out of me because I thought I'm losing my sanity. I didn't even know how the hell I manage to restrict throwing myself unto you because when you're there, that's what exactly I wanna do. The fuck I want to feel your fingers brushings against mine. I want to lean in for a kiss. It was maddening. This is not just a simple infatuation. It is a kind of feeling I want to have yet I don't at the same time. Is that even posible? Wanting something you don't want to have? See? It has become so absurd. Do you get it?" He tried so hard to explain.   
For the first time in this tape, like an idiot, I smiled.   
I do understand Ji. That feeling.   
It is horrifying to the point you're not even sure if you really want it. Like it's taking away the living sanity left in you. But the worst part is, you can't do anything.   
I understand it very well Jihoonnie. 

Just so you know  
This feeling's takin' control  
Of me and I can't help it  
I won't sit around  
I can't let him win now

"Do you think I did not tried hard to move on? To forget these things? To kill these feelings? I fucking did! I tried hard. But Cheol, forgetting you is harder than It ought to be. Not when you're always around. Not when I see you making an effort to restore our friendship. Not when you hug or kiss me. Not when you are already exactly what I want to have. It's consuming. Forgetting you is more painful than seeing you with Jeonghan. Do you know what Mingyu said to me? He said I should fight for you. That you're worth the fight. Tsk. He can't even make a move to Wonwoo. How dare he advised me. " Jihoon's voice changed into mockery.. 

Thought you should know  
I've tried my best to let go  
Of you but I don't want to  
I just gotta say it all before I go  
Just so you know

"He said I should fight for you. How stupid. Soldiers don't go to war without guns. How can I fight for someone when the one I am fighting for doesn't even know we're at war at all? He ain't got a single idea that he's making me suffer. Fighting doesn't always mean you should win. That's what I'm scared at. I won't let myself suffer this much and suffer again later. Mingyu was persuading me to confess. He thought I didn't already did that? I tried. It was just always a failure." Jihoon sighned but still with a hint of conviction. 

It's gettin' hard to be around you  
There's so much I can't say  
Do you want me to hide the feelings  
And look the other away

"It was so fucking hard living all these years with him. It's getting harder to act as his best friend when in reality I want him so badly. Since predebut, everytime he held my hand, every time he hugged me, Squeeze me in his arms, it was so fucking hard to keep my cool. To act as if it was all normal. I didn't know how I survived the past years living with this feeling. I don't know how I survived the jealousy and insanity. It was so hard loving someone behind curtains. It was all difficult for me. I'm addicted to him. He has become my personal brand of heroine that I'll go crazy without the dose of him. It's the kind of like consuming an ecstasy. He was my drug. It was so fucking hard to keep all of this to myself. ". I remain speechless. 

And I don't know  
How to be fine when I'm not  
'Cause I don't know  
How to make a feeling stop

"So tell me, if this feeling have gone too impossible how can I stop now? If the drugs are already all over my body how can I stop? When he has become a part of me. When my heart is already aching for him. But still, he never felt the same. I know. That's why it sucks. Cause he never perceive what I have felt. He has become my everything while I remain his nothing. He has become my world while I remain just a part of his. He was my whole book but I'm just one of his page. This all sucks. How would I stop? Tell me how can I stop." He spat begging.   
If only I could do anything Jihoon. If only.   
If only things aren't this complicated. 

Just so you know  
This feeling's takin' control  
Of me and I can't help it  
I won't sit around  
I can't let him win now  
Thought you should know  
I've tried my best to let go  
Of you but I don't want to  
I just gotta say it all before I go  
Just so you know

"I have once read this on Wonwoo's book. It says, if it is that painful why are you still holding on? Why am I still holding on? I asked myself that everyday in my life. I want to abandon this feelings of mine. Just so you all know, I'm in the point of my life where I become too drowned. To drowned I cant pull myself out. If i have all the energy, I would have forgotten him now. If I just can. But I'm left with no choice but to bear the pain and enjoy the feeling. This isn't about Cheol now, this all about my feelings. He has done me enough to hate him but let me tell you this, I can't bring myself to hate him. Everytime I'll try to move forward, I'm just stuck in the starting line. I couldn't move. It's like we are in an endless race where I can't reach the finish line cause he had it blocked. He keep moving it further enough till i can't reach it. It's like I have the car and I'm ready to go but I never had gas. It's like keeping me where Im standing. Im just...... Here... Stucked." He said in a soft voice. 

This emptiness is killin' me  
And I'm wonderin' why I've waited so long  
Lookin' back I realize it was always there  
Just never spoken  
I'm waitin' here  
Been waitin' here

"I don't even know what I'm waiting for or if I have something to wait for. I don't even know why my heart seems to enjoy the torture and grievance. I have always wanted to move on. To forget about him, to just settle being a friend to him, but I can't. I have always been searching for a reason to move on but then I realized, the reason I'm searching for is just there from the very start. He never felt the same. That was it. The reason is just that simple. I just never wanted to take it in because deep inside me, there's still a little hope that someday we can still be. Im hoping that maybe we are meant to be. I'm hoping that you could save me from this misery. The reason I'm seeking for is just right in front of my eyes but I denied it every single day. I denied that one reason of letting you go because I don't want to let you go. This is the trouble I put myself into. I don't want to let you go. " The firmness in his voice says it all.   
I could only hold my breathing.   
He don't want to let me go.   
Was it too much to ask him that? 

 

Just so you know  
This feeling's takin' control  
Of me and I can't help it  
I won't sit around  
I can't let him win now  
Thought you should know  
I've tried my best to let go  
Of you but I don't want to  
Just gotta say it all before I go  
Just so you know, just so you know  
Thought you should know  
I've tried my best to let go  
Of you but I don't want to  
Just gotta say it all before I go  
Just so you know, just so you know

"I don't want to grow apart from you. I've been through alot of pain and just because you like Yoon Jeonghan, I would forget you. The damage is unrepairable now. This lovesick has no cure now. Just because you don't love me too means I could just forget about you in a snapped. I have survived the years just watching you, silently wishing that you feel the same too. Cause I thought you feel it too. Just so you know Choi Seungcheol I've tried to forget you but look at me, keep on hurting myself. This feelings have enslaven me and I couldn't refuse because I liked it. I like all of it. I have learn to embrace the pain along with all the flattery I have felt. Just so you know Choi Seungcheol, i cant just tell myself to forget you and then wake up the next morning free from my feelings. I can't just slap myself hard so the feelings would be gone. That does not how it works. I can't control my goddamn heart." Jihoon let out a hopeless case of silence.  
"Cheol-ah, be a man and reciprocate my feelings too. "   
Just that, it ended.   
But not the erratic beating of my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last chapter and here you go. Mwaps.


	12. INTERLUDE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol finally came home all the way from Daegu. And there's Jihoon.

"Hyungggggggg~~~~" Seungkwan was the first one to notice me standing in our front door. He run towards me enveloping me into a tight hug.   
My two day trip to Daegu has officially ended today so does our vacation.   
Tomorrow will surely be an exhausting day for all of us.   
I'm glad seeing the members seem to be in a good condition. They rested well. It's a relief they did.   
I made my way to the salas with Seungkwan still tugging my arms.   
For all I know, it's not I who they missed so much. I mentally rolled my eyes.   
He excitedly announced I have came back.   
The members hugged me and abandoned me soon enough to get my belongings.   
I knew it from the start.  
The didn't missed me.   
They are excited to what I have for them from Daegu. These kids. Really.   
"Yah!! Yah! Careful. Just get the plastic out you might decimate my bag." I pulled my bag away from them.   
After the chaos, Jun went to the kitchen to prepare the food I have brought.  
Seungkwan, Seokmin, Soonyoung and Chan are having a tug of war for the remote control.   
Jisoo hugged me as a sign of welcoming me. This bro. Jeonghan came out from the bathroom and run straight to me giving me a tight hug. This brother is very affectionate. I hugged him back.  
He texted me a while ago asking me to come back early.   
The door cracked open.   
That's exactly the sight that greeted Jihoon when he came out to our room.   
He register the shocked on his face subtlely changing it into a warm smile.   
I released myself from the hug.   
I smiled back indicisively. But i felt the tension.   
My eyes automatically looked for Mingyu in the pile of the members. He gave me a knowing look but I can't really read his expression.   
"You just came? How's your grandma? " Jihoon asked me while rubbing his sleepy eyes.   
I panicked upon hearing his voice.  
"S-she's f-fine" I hope my voice sounded casual.   
He nodded and went to the washroom.   
I heard Mingyu sigh loudly and im the only one who noticed it. The members are so engrossed watching the TV and Jeonghan is now sitting beside Jisoo.   
"Hyung, how about take a rest first and worry yourself tomorrow? Its gonna be a long day. Jisoo and Jeonghan hyung are here. You can sleep. " Mingyu said.   
It's like ordering me to rest first to get ready cause were gonna have a talk tomorrow.   
Is that something to look forward into? 

 

 

"So hyung, How's your grandmother's condition?" Mingyu started to question me. But it appears just a warm up for our actual conversation.   
We're here at the rooftop because it's our practice break. Soonyoung is studying our song for a choreography and others are still doing lyrics.   
I took a break from writing and went here to breathe a fresh air without knowing that Mingyu followed me for a talk.   
I told him grandma's fine amd they shouldn't worry at all. He just nodded like he is deciphering his own thoughts.   
"Have you listened to all of it? " he hesitantly asked me.   
Now it is a real deal.   
"Hmmm. You didn't tell me you knew about it since trainee days".  
I fixated my eyes on to the beautiful view ahead of us.   
Rooftop is a healing place for me.   
It's just plain serene.   
"It's not my story to tell. And besides, Jihoon hyung will kill me if I say a word. He hit me with a guitar way back then right? It hurts. " he replied with a pout.   
Mingyu can really be mature without leaving his childish attitude. That's one of his charms.   
"So what are you gonna do about it? Don't tell me you're gonna keep yourself away from Jihoonie hyung.. That's bullshit hyung. " he gave me an unbelievable face. Like it was the shittiest decision ever created and he already expected me to have that shittiest shit.   
I sigh.   
"Not that. But It's better if he'll just forget about me, Gyu-ah. I'll just hurt him. " i weakly vocalized. I barely find my voice.   
"Don't you think that's too much to ask? You're already hurting him and you will still end up hurting him. Don't you think it's time to give in? You both suffered enough. Hyung, i know you have feelings for him too. Why do you keep on pushing him away when you clearly want to pull him closer? I don't get you." he declared now facing me.   
Because things aren't that easy.   
Just because you both feel the same way doesn't mean you can be. Like Jihoonie said, that's not how the world works.   
Should I give in?   
I replied him with a heavy silence before deciding to utter what is running in my head.   
"Mingyu-ah, I honestly don't know what to do." I confessed, pulling my own hair.   
There's no point lying here.   
"Hyung, why not start on being honest with yourself first? I think it's going to be a big help. Trust yourself hyung. Sometimes it's all we need. Contemplation. I'll go down now. I know you wanted to be alone here. Haha. I'm really such a noisy company. I'm hoping for the best hyung." He tapped my shoulder and made his way throughout the rooftop door.   
What am I gonna do?   
I sigh for the last time.   
Guess it's time to do the only idea I've got in my mind. Hope it will be the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINAL chapter later;)


	13. FINAL: YOUR SONG

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will it be a happy ending or will it be a melancholic friendzone?

"Arghhhhh"  
I screamed out of frustration.  
I couldn't start what I'm supposed to be doing.  
All the writers block are coming to me at once.  
I can't concentrate.  
I can't think!  
Not at this rate.  
Seungcheol's acting fucking different!  
Everytime he comes home, he usually updates me with news on what's happening to her grandma considering we're quiet close and I'm fucking worried.  
He did not even told me he'll go to Daegu.  
What kind of best friend is he?  
I know something is wrong from the moment he looked at me when he came home the other night but I don't know what it is. I can't decipher him that night. He also slept early for two days, completely ignoring me.  
I can't just ask him what's wrong cause I know I don't have to ask him. He'll open up himself voluntarily without me forcing him.  
That's how we are.  
Now I don't know what to do.  
I feel so fucking frustrated. I don't know if I did something wrong or what. I'm not a fucking fortune teller nor a seer. What an idiot!  
I was about to press a key to my keyboard when I heard a familiar knock.  
Cheol's head peeped through the door.  
As expected.  
"Ji, Hi? " he waved his hand while still peeping to where he is at.  
I rolled my eyes heavenward.  
"Uh, emm. Can I-- can I talk to you if you're not busy?. I mean it's okay if you're really busy I could just com-----"  
"You can come in and say it" I pressed a key and a sound filled his quiet entrance.  
Why sound so formal?  
He sat by the chair beside me.  
Now what?  
"Uhmm if you're busy I could just come back la---"  
"Cut the crap Cheol and tell me what your goddamn problem is. I knew there's something bothering you. I was right after all. So quit blabbering nonsense and tell me what it is. " I spat out.  
My attention was completely concentrated to him. It's always been.  
I almost choke when he looked me straight on my eyes.  
Fuck you heart! Stop beating abnormally. 

He sighed exhaustedly and he held my both hands.  
How serious is this?  
I was about to ask if he's sick or what but before I could find my tongue, he spoke.  
"Listen Jihoonnie. Whatever I'm about to say, please don't hate me. Don't be mad. Promise me you won't hate me. " he is still looking straight to my soul, holding both of my hands.  
what's this? I suddenly feel anxious.  
I nodded absentmindedly.  
"Okay. Thank you. Here's the thing, I found this here when I looked for you a week before. I'm sorry I shouldn't have taken this thing without letting you know first. But I swear I did not plan this. I didn't know." he pulled something from his jacket's pocket and took out a pink tape.  
Wait.  
What? Pink tape?  
My pupil dilated ten times than it should have.  
Ohmyfuckinggod!  
Im doomed.  
Shit!  
"H-HO-HOW? WH-WHY?" I voiced out my incoherent thoughts.  
I panicked.  
The sweats are already exploding beginning from my forehead.  
He held my trembling hands.  
I avoided locking gaze with him.  
"I really want to borrow a playlist we've made before. Im thinking that could inspire me to write lyrics. But I found this on that drawer with a black notebook instead. I thought it was the tape Im looking for. I'm sorry Jihoonie" I let go of his grip.  
Fuck. Fuck multiplied to a million shit.  
I grabbed the CD defensively.  
I was really taken aback by this sudden situation.  
I looked at the tape.  
We filled the silence with our anxious breathing.  
After quite some time, I composed myself and looked at him coldly.  
How else should I act?  
Everything is ruined.  
"So you listened to this and you already know." I recited intently. Bitterly. That wasn't a question.  
Tears unconsciously started to pour down from my eyes.  
I wasn't aware of my crying until I hear myself sob followed by another and another.  
"So what now? You'll scold me and talk sense to me? Are you going to tell me to forget about you? Are you gonna distance your fucking ass away from me? Huh? Too late Cheol. Too late." i never wanted my confession to turn out like this. I never expected this is how this day is gonna be like. I didn't imagined any of this.  
I wasn't prepared that this is his fucking reason why he became distant for days.  
"Shhh Ji. It's okay. Shhh" he pulled me for a hug.  
I feel the abashment running to my entire body.  
For the past months I forced myself to accept we're just gonna be friends forever. There's no gonna be us like how I wished to have.I contented myself to just love him secretly and now all the possible worse scenarios came running to me like a splash.  
We're okay until he found that fucking tape I've made. Now all Is gone.  
I let out my shock, frustrations and embarrassment speak through my tears.  
"Shh. Listen to me first Jihoon-ah-------"  
He tried to hushed me by wiping my tears using his tumb. I shoved his hand away from my cheeks.  
"If you're going to force me to forget you, Im telling you, You can leave now. I'd do that just give me time. Please leave me alone. For a moment" i cut off what he was about to say.  
He shook his head.  
"Please Cheol, leave me alone for a moment. " I pleaded. Im still under shock and confusion. I at least need to save my ass from embarrassment.  
I needed to give myself a chance to think properly. At least.  
"I'm not gonna tell you that Ji. Calm down. Listen to me Jihoonie. I'll leave you alone but I want you to listen to the last song of this playlist. Do you uderstand me? Let's fix this, okay.shhh. stop crying now." He held my face and placed a kiss to my temple.  
I couldn't stop crying.  
"Shhh. I'll leave you alone for now, okay? Take your time. It's okay. I'm sorry Ji, I'm sorry." he squeezed my left hand and went to the door.  
When I heard the door closed I cried my heart out.  
What is this CD? Is he going to tell me he and Jeonghan are officially on that's why he's saying sorry?  
Is he gonna tell me he's leaving cause he can't love me back? I'm not asking him that.  
I cried there for an hour until I decided to face my fear and listen to what he wants me to listen.  
I'll really hit him with my guitar if he tells me to forget about him. I don't care if it bruise him. Serves him right.  
I played the CD with my high level of anxiety enjoying its stay only to be greeted by a long deafening silence.  
He wants me to listen to his breathing?  
Is he making fun of me?  
*ehem* uhmm. Hmm. Hi? Jihoonnie are you listening? Ahmm. Uhh, i am so sorry. I-i d-didnt mean to listen to the t-tape you've made. I'm sorry. I did not know your f-feelings. I'm sorry i made you c-cry a thousand of times. I don't really know what to say in front of you so I thought I'll just talk to you using a s-song." He begun.  
He have got no originality.  
And Why does he keep on saying sorry?  
I don't need his guilt. I don't need any of his shits.  
I've had enough of that. 

"After I came back from Daegu, Mingyu talked sense to me. I did not know he knew about your feelings. I was so fucked up i came up with a shitty remedy i could only think of. T-that was to make you forget about your feelings towards m-me. I know that was so selfish. It was too much to ask Jihoonnie. I'm sorry"  
I knew it. I knew it. I fucking knew it.  
A cry escape my mouth.  
I weeped without a sound. 

"It was a shitty idea. I was glad Mingyu was there. He was there to tell me I could do better. To stop this cowardice and be honest with myself. I didn't know what to do after I heard this tape. I honestly did not know what to do. It was quiet frustrating and I couldn't even think straight. He said be honest. So, that's what I'm going to give you. Honesty. " he said softly. Typical Cheol.  
It was so amusing that for the first time, he didn't know what to do.  
He always knew everything he have to do in any given situation so this is a news.  
Honesty? He'll give me honesty?  
If he want me to walk away from him then I don't want his honesty. Fuck his honesty. 

"So I'll use this song instead. Jihoonnie. I'm always good with words. But for the first time in my life i am left speechless. I don't know the perfect word to say but please bear with me and listen. I'll let this song explain everything i wanted to say. This is my honesty. I'll use a song. This song is one of the long list of my favorite songs because this reminds me of you. This is my song for you. This was sung by a Filipino band. I don't think you remember but I used to sing this when we're still trainees. It's called Your Song by Parokya ni Edgar"  
The strumming sounds familiar but I couldn't register it to my memory.  
Upon hearing this, i know it's gonna be a good song. 

It took one look  
And forever I laid out in front of me  
One smile then I died  
Only to be revived by you

"If I will tell you honest things, i gotta reveal myself first. Right ? Okay. So it was all started when we are still a trainee. You know you're especial to me right? But Jihoon you're more than especial to me. More than we knew. I am always fond of you. You are home to me just like what I am to you. You are my best friend and it really hurts me upon hearing I made you doubt that for a couple of a hundred of times. We're so close even way back then that you are even close with my family. Ive never abandoned you Jihoon. I just gave you a space because as we grew older, here comes lying our responsibilities.We needed it. " It feels like he is talking directly at me. Like he's looking straight to my eyes again. 

There I was  
Thought I had everything figured out  
Goes to show just how much I know  
'Bout the way life plays out...

"When we we're still young and carefree, it was all perfect. When we've got no responsibilities carrying in our backs. It was all good. I have you and I was damn fine. I started to feel something towards you but I denied it immediately. I thought we're still young. We gotta enjoy what life have served us. I was contended then. You, being my friend. It was all good. Not until my feelings grew. I started to give you my every attention. I started to give you the piece of me even though we're not a thing. I was suddenly drawn to you. I never knew I was falling till noticed I'm halfway through it. It started even before I knew it. Remember when my grandma was sick and I failed to debut with Nuest hyungs at the same day? I was devastated. I couldn't do anything. I was told I'm still lacking and there's no guarantee we'll debut. I cried that day. I weeped. Then you came. You were there. You hugged me like there's no tomorrow. You made me feel I wasnt alone. That we could pass through that challenge together. That I have you. Remember it Ji? That's when I first fell for you".  
I almost drop myself to the floor.  
My jaw fell.  
The tears got stuck in my eyes like they're as shock as me.  
Did I heard it wrong? 

I take one step away  
But I find myself coming back to you  
My one and only, one and only you... ooh...

"I kept that just to myself. For a long time. I said to myself to just enjoy the feeling till It last. I thought it was only infatuation and it will fade away soon. The feeling was so overwheling. I wasn't aware it will grew and just keep on blooming. It started when you first smile at me to the fact that I learned to love your flaws and imperfections. I found myself falling, again and again. But Ji, I was first afraid you wouldn't Like me back and I might break our friendship so i held back firmly. Our friendship meant a lot to me. Time passed, the feelings got me insane that I want all of it to come out but then the big news came. Finally. We're going to debut. After all the hardship. Finally. We've been waiting for that day. The pressure controlled us. It ruled over us. I became a leader and you, our little producer. I was so proud of you, Ji. I was so damn proud. It was satisfying to see our dreams coming true and the fact that we reached it together was all I ever asked. It went like that, i forgot about my confession but my feelings keep on growing. But I did not mind it. With you by my side was more than enough. "  
I wipe my tears away.  
Everything is coming back to me.  
Like while I'm listening to him there's also a movie rolling in my mind.  
It's nostalgic.  
"But funny thing is, it consumed me again. It drove me insane yet I couldn't do anything. I planned to confess...again. This time with determination. Mingyu even caught me practicing in a mirror. When that time came, that I finally have the courage, you drifted away. It shattered me. To see you making your way away from me. It left my heart tattered. I thought it can be a good thing too. With the responsibilities given to me, there's no room for weakness. You are my weakness Lee Jihoon so I used that space to forget about you. I really thought I succeeded."  
"Then we finally debuted. I got really close to Jeonghan. We've become too close. He was so especial to me cause he catch me when Im breaking apart every night. He comforted me. He gave me the company. He was there when I suffered. But you're completely mistaken. I've got no feelings for him. It was all platonic. And Then, we've become okay again. I tried my best to fix us. I missed you Ji. Everyone was there for me but I keep on looking for you. They were all there for me what you're the one I wanted to be there. Only you. I pushed my plan to confess for countless times. But there go lies my responsibilities...rulling again. Issues came after us day after day. Criticisms and such. I am the leader so I should prioritize this group first. I don't want to fail all of you when you put all of your trusts in me. I should not be selfish. But Ji, these feelings I've set aside still wants to come out. They wanted to be heard. I want to have you not just a member and a friend. I wanted more. But with great conviction, I always forbid" he explained.  
I never knew he went through all of this.  
He loves us so much.  
How can someone be this great?  
If you're like this, how am I going to unlove you?  
How can I not love if a man like you existed? 

Now I know  
That I know not a thing at all  
Except the fact that I am yours  
And that you are mine

"I tried my hardest to be a father of 12. I tried my best to be a good and dependable leader. I carried all the burden but sometimes i wished, i have somebody to lean unto but i can't be weak in front of all of you. I was your pillar and if I break, all of us will. I'm ready to give up my feelings I have for the sake of our friendship and this group. And I'm telling you, it wasn't easy. It slowly killed me but I stood straight, watching my heart collapsed. All of you gotten so precious to me that I'm willing to be selfless just to protect you. I wouldn't able to focuse on the group when I have my eyes set all for you Ji. I just put on my mind that as long as I have you, even as just friend i would be fine. Even if It kills me. " he sniffed.  
So it did to me Cheol.  
How can our dreams punished us like this?  
How can the thing we thought great break us like this? 

Ooh  
They told me that this wouldn't be easy  
And no  
I'm not one to complain...

"But Ji, honestly, sometimes I want to to be selfish too. I want to break loose to this position so I can want you. I want to hug you and all but I can't do that. Not when I have to carry all the problem on my shoulder. I thought being a leader was easy. But it wasn't. It was never easy. I have to give up these feelings for the sake of all of us. I am afraid I wouldn't act accordingly. I'm afraid I'll fuck this group up. I don't want to fail you guys. I want to protect all of you but I want to have you too. It's crazy. The moment I heard your tapes, i want to run straight to you and hug you but it feels so wrong because I'm the one who caused all your sufferings. I am so sorry Ji. I'm such a coward. I couldn't protect you. I don't deserve you at all." He sobbed.  
Cheol. I'm sorry. I didn't consider your feelings. I only think about mine.  
I forgot that if there's someone who suffered much, it is you.  
I told you. You can always cry on my shoulder.  
You can share all of it with me.  
There's no reason to restrict yourself from being happy.  
You are strong. You are the best. 

I take one step away  
Then I find myself coming back to you  
My one and only, one and only

"Just when I thought everything will be alright. When i thought I succeeded forgetting you, there you go again, making me want to protect you. I realized, I've never forgotten about you. I just denied it all this times. How can I? When you are near me, I'll always go back to where i started. I'm on the process of moving on but the moment you smile to me, i will always forgot why am I even moving on in the first place. Just like what you said, im stucked. Every time i run away, you'll always give me a reason not to let go. When I'm ready to free myself from my feelings, you'll always make me feel this is all worth it. I always find myself coming back for you. That no matter how Jeonghan and I clicked I'll always find you. No matter how funny his jokes are, I'll always wish you are there to hear it too. No matter how heavy my responsibilities are, I want to abandon all of it for you."  
" You have an enormous part of my life than you've imagined. You are like a string that pulls me closer every time i move far enough. But then epiphanies came to me like a cold bucket waking me. Ji, I'll take one step out of these feelings but i always found myself coming back for you. No matter how hard I tried to forget about you, my feeling just keep on blooming. You are my home. I want you in my life Jihoon but we both know we can't. ".  
We can Cheol. If only you would give yourself a chance. 

I'll take one step away  
But I find myself coming back to you  
My one and only, one and only you...

" I'm sorry for being a coward. I'm sorry for keeping things from you. I'm sorry if I made you cry. Im so sorry, i made you feel worthless. I am very sorry i couldn't be strong for the both of us. I'm very sorry I did not fight for you. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry cause I love you enough I could risk everything I worked hard for you. You are bigger than my fears Ji. You are worth than the weight of gold. You are more important than my responsibilities. Am I that bad if after all the pain I have inflicted in you I still want to be a part of your life? Is it bad that even it leave me in a wreckage, i want to keep on coming back? I don't want to hurt you but i keep on wanting you. This feelings is too strong It could kill us both. What will we do Jihoonie, cause honestly, i don't know. "  
I hurriedly come out of the studio to find my way to the practice room  
I never run this fast in my entire life.  
The elevator is too much to wait considering it's just an average place.  
I hurriedly slip in the practice room.  
They seemed startled by my grand entrance but I did not mind.  
My eyed searched for Seungcheol who is standing beside Jeonghan talking about something.  
Jeonghan patted him in the face.  
Seems like they're just the one's who didn't acknowledge my pressence. They're busy enough in their own world.  
That thought made my blood burning.  
I stormed by their side with a heavy feet touching the floor.  
"You asked me what will we do? This is what I'll do. Watch."  
Everyone of them was shocked when I pulled Seungcheol into a vengeful kiss, not giving him a chance to break loose.  
I don't know how to kiss but I manage to ravished his lips.  
various reactions filled the room from ohs to woahs. But I have become deaf for a while.  
I was too lost in my vegeance. 

"Why didn't you told me you love me before? I looked stupid recording things in that damn playlist. You fucking asshole. You made me cry for nothing. You made both of us suffer for a long time. Remind me again how did I fell for you? I looked fucking stupid in that tape. " I scolded him without pausing to breathe.  
My tears escaped again.  
I am so angry right now.  
I couldn't care less.  
" Ji---" he called me now holding my hands but i never gave him a chance to speak.  
" I fucking thought I'm suffering from an unrequited love. I thought you like Jeonghan hyung that I cried a river. I thought you never felt the same." I sniffed. Why am I fucking crying?  
"Jih---------" he called me once again but I didn't mind him. I still have things to say.  
"I thought you only cared for me as just a leader and a friend. I thought I could only dream of having you. I thought I'll forever watch you from just afar. You made me suffer for years, you asshole! Why can't you give yourself a chance? You love responsibilities that much right? So why don't you take responsibility for making me love you and for my sufferrings.Besides, you're the one wjo caused it all. Why don't you man up and let yourself be happy? I fucking put my feelings in that tape only to looked like a fool. Damn you. Why don't yo----------"  
My blabbering was cut short when he shut me up.  
He kissed me even tho I didn't know how. I was to startled to respond. He envade my mouth without giving me a chance to break away.  
If this was a price for talking to much, I'd love to be noisy as fuck.  
When I was about to kiss back, he stopped.  
My heart sank.  
"You do realize we're at the practice room and everyone is watching. Do you...baby?" he cupped my face after the kissed and spoke so soft I could melt.  
He pointed me the shook members surrounding us.  
Fuck! I forgot!  
I looked at the floor and bit my lower lip.  
I swear i am as red as a tomato.  
"Eyy. Get a room. " Soonyoung tsked.  
"I knew it." I heard Mingyu.  
"Jihoonie hyung is scary"  
"Ah. Cheol hyung and I? Tsk" Jeonghan hissed.  
"Never imagined Jihoon hyung will do the first move. " Seungkwan.  
"Wait. What tape? " Minghao is confused as the other members who didn't recover fast enough to comment.  
Floor, kindly swallow me whole now.  
"Wait. You two are not dating? I thought you were. " Chan asked shocked.  
Everyone started to relax except for him.  
I heard someone whistling but I'm too shy to lift my head.  
I bit my nails.  
"Ji, look at me. " I refused.  
Cheol lifted my chin so he could make me look at him. I did but only for seconds.  
"Uh- ahm. I-i f-forgot, B-bumzu h-hyung m-mu-must b-be looking f-for m-me" i made an excuse still eyes fixed on his shoulder.  
"No. We'll talk. Jihonnie" Cheol gave me his leader voice. I gulped.  
Fuck, what did I do?  
I should escape now.  
Dammit.  
"Sorry. Bye" i run my life out of the practice room fast enough to avoid embarrassment and to escape annoying Cheol.  
I heard some laughter and little teases inside before I was completely out.  
I heard cheol calling my name.  
When I thought I was safe in the studio, i was shoved inside and cornered.  
"H-how did y-you? "  
"Jihoon I'm telling you, there's no escape." My eyes widened at the sight of Cheol cornering me.  
Shit.  
"C-cheol" i mumbled. I am fucking nervous.  
Did I not locked the door?  
How the hell he got inside?  
"Yes, Baby? " he placed his muscled arms in both of my sides.  
Fuck!! Shit!!  
Why is he calling me baby?  
The hell. My heart please stay still.  
"C-can y--you m-move a l-li-little? I c-cant b-breathe." I nervously told him. God! This isn't the first time we're this close but fuck it's fucking different.  
"Oh, you wouldn't be able to breathe and you'll like it" before I could ask what he meant by that, he effortlessly moved his, lips to mine. Savoring it until I recover from shock and equally responded.  
If this is the price of making a playlist and looking all stupid, I'll do that again.  
Cheol tastes so fucking sweet.  
He stopped and put his forehead against mine.  
" I'm sorry I made you suffer and cry. This time, let's make things right, baby. Let's give each other a chance. This time, you'll not slip away from my grip. This time, it's us. " he looked at me straight.  
I can feel his sincerity.  
I nodded.  
"Never ever run away without me Ji. Run with me instead. " and he kissed me again.

I cried. But this time, it was a pure tears of joy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the best possible ending I could make to give justice to the story. I hope i don't disappoint.  
> Thank you for patiently waiting for my updates even though I am not a good of an author. Thank you for reading. And to those who left kudos and comments, especial thanks to all of you. 
> 
> This fic is originally a oneshot but because there are a lot of song, I made it chaptered. 
> 
> And also, please listen to the last song it is really good. As in. 
> 
> I am planning to make another chaptered fic. Please look forward to it. 
> 
> Thank you :) 
> 
> It ended.


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